It was no accident that I stumbled across my journal from 2006 today. The days following my wife Kari’s death I poured out my emotions and tears on the pages. The pages must have soaked up a thousand tears. Little did I know at the time how those pages would help me to write the book detailing my experience 7 years later. But of course God knew. I felt led to share some of these entries today. It’s amazing to me to see how God answered so many prayers when I cried out to Him. I am not the same person today because of those answered prayers.
The world and all its desires are an incredible temptation. It often takes tremendous pain and heartache to pull us away from our selfish desires. But God’s plan is perfect. He knows just what we need. When we fully surrender to that pain and cry out to Him like a child, He will live with us. And there is no better life, than a life lived in God’s presence. My journey and all that I have been a part of is an incredible testimony of God’s undying love and mercy. There is nothing in this world that compares to what you have when you let God have full control. When my wife died I died. But because I died, I now live.
The world and all its desires are an incredible temptation. It often takes tremendous pain and heartache to pull us away from our selfish desires. But God’s plan is perfect. He knows just what we need. When we fully surrender to that pain and cry out to Him like a child, He will live with us. And there is no better life, than a life lived in God’s presence. My journey and all that I have been a part of is an incredible testimony of God’s undying love and mercy. There is nothing in this world that compares to what you have when you let God have full control. When my wife died I died. But because I died, I now live.
THE DAYS AND WEEKS FOLLOWING MY WIFE'S DEATH, I WAS ON AUTOPILOT. MANY OF MY MEMORIES WERE TAKEN FROM ME AT FIRST AND THEN GOD SLOWLY GAVE THEM BACK AS I COULD HANDLE THEM. THIS TIME IN MY LIFE FELT AS IF I WERE IN A COCOON. IT WAS DARK AND LONELY AND I WAS UNDERGOING TREMENDOUS CHANGE.
“I didn’t cry much today. I don’t know what to think of that. Sometimes I just think I am out of tears. I like to just meet people know. I just talk more now. I am more connected, more engaged. I can make a difference now. Everyone I meet I can be different. I can be a shining light for Jesus Christ.”
“My whole life has changed. Nothing will ever be quite the same. I won’t ever get over this event in my life. I will grow from it, learn from it, deal with it, but this will always be with me. We all die someday. I just wasn’t ready for Kari to die just yet. God’s plan is often different than what we had in mind. But I trust God. I have faith. I believe there are great things for me ahead. I’m still alive so I must still have work to do.”
“At home by myself today, so hard. I cried and yelled and cried and yelled some more. I felt pain I didn’t know you could feel. Life is so hard. Life is so short. Life is so cruel. Life is ugly. Life is painful. Thank you God for catching every tear I cried today. Lord help me to get through this terrible pain.”
“God has something special in store for me. I just don’t know what it is yet. I want to get started on it quickly though. We are only here for a little while.”
“Alone, depressed, sad…that pretty much sums up my life right now. My heart is broken. It hurts worse than I thought possible. My mind still doesn’t want to believe it. I am still in shock. Unless you have been here you don’t know what this feels like. It is indescribable. I cried all day long.”
“My heart aches. I feel so alone. I wonder when things will get better. I have a hole where Kari once was. I was 21 when we started dating. I have changed so much over those 11 years. That’s what makes it so hard. I was changed because of Kari, for Kari, in the presence of Kari. No matter what happens the rest of my life, the pain and emptiness will follow me. Maybe not so strong, maybe not quite so often, but it will be there until I die. I need help to get through this. I can’t do it alone. This is too big, too hard, too painful. It’s all I can do to make it through each day. I feel so pathetic and weak. The devil is always trying to attack me putting thoughts into my mind. Sometimes I feel like I’m going insane. I can’t explain how bad it hurts. Sometimes you want to give up but I know that is not an option. I’m so alone, so scared, so sad, so empty, so depressed. God help me! Change me for the good through all this!”
“I will never forget our last kiss. I was blessed with one the last time I saw here. We looked into each other’s eyes and time stood still. We had been working so hard on the house it had been a while since we had a meaningful kiss. I was blessed with one the last time I saw her. Later that night we talked on the phone for an hour. There were no misunderstandings, no harsh words, no disagreements. Just nice conversation.”
“My life is a living hell. I am so depressed, so broken hearted. I am exhausted. I have nothing left. I’m running out of tears. How long can this go on and how painful can it get? How much can a person take? When does it get easier? Kari and I had become one. Now I am off balance because I am missing part of me. I feel I can hardly stand up. Every task I do is difficult. I need a break so bad but there are no breaks. Each day flows into the next like one long nightmare. I’ve often noticed at graveyards when one spouse dies the other often dies soon thereafter. I understand how it could kill you. I am ready to go home whenever God takes me. Until then Lord Jesus use my hands for your work. Use this for your glory. I hope I am changed so much that that through me you can do amazing things. God thank you for today!”
“My whole life has changed. Nothing will ever be quite the same. I won’t ever get over this event in my life. I will grow from it, learn from it, deal with it, but this will always be with me. We all die someday. I just wasn’t ready for Kari to die just yet. God’s plan is often different than what we had in mind. But I trust God. I have faith. I believe there are great things for me ahead. I’m still alive so I must still have work to do.”
“At home by myself today, so hard. I cried and yelled and cried and yelled some more. I felt pain I didn’t know you could feel. Life is so hard. Life is so short. Life is so cruel. Life is ugly. Life is painful. Thank you God for catching every tear I cried today. Lord help me to get through this terrible pain.”
“God has something special in store for me. I just don’t know what it is yet. I want to get started on it quickly though. We are only here for a little while.”
“Alone, depressed, sad…that pretty much sums up my life right now. My heart is broken. It hurts worse than I thought possible. My mind still doesn’t want to believe it. I am still in shock. Unless you have been here you don’t know what this feels like. It is indescribable. I cried all day long.”
“My heart aches. I feel so alone. I wonder when things will get better. I have a hole where Kari once was. I was 21 when we started dating. I have changed so much over those 11 years. That’s what makes it so hard. I was changed because of Kari, for Kari, in the presence of Kari. No matter what happens the rest of my life, the pain and emptiness will follow me. Maybe not so strong, maybe not quite so often, but it will be there until I die. I need help to get through this. I can’t do it alone. This is too big, too hard, too painful. It’s all I can do to make it through each day. I feel so pathetic and weak. The devil is always trying to attack me putting thoughts into my mind. Sometimes I feel like I’m going insane. I can’t explain how bad it hurts. Sometimes you want to give up but I know that is not an option. I’m so alone, so scared, so sad, so empty, so depressed. God help me! Change me for the good through all this!”
“I will never forget our last kiss. I was blessed with one the last time I saw here. We looked into each other’s eyes and time stood still. We had been working so hard on the house it had been a while since we had a meaningful kiss. I was blessed with one the last time I saw her. Later that night we talked on the phone for an hour. There were no misunderstandings, no harsh words, no disagreements. Just nice conversation.”
“My life is a living hell. I am so depressed, so broken hearted. I am exhausted. I have nothing left. I’m running out of tears. How long can this go on and how painful can it get? How much can a person take? When does it get easier? Kari and I had become one. Now I am off balance because I am missing part of me. I feel I can hardly stand up. Every task I do is difficult. I need a break so bad but there are no breaks. Each day flows into the next like one long nightmare. I’ve often noticed at graveyards when one spouse dies the other often dies soon thereafter. I understand how it could kill you. I am ready to go home whenever God takes me. Until then Lord Jesus use my hands for your work. Use this for your glory. I hope I am changed so much that that through me you can do amazing things. God thank you for today!”
IT'S AMAZING TO ME THAT GOD SHOWED ME JUST DAYS AFTER THE ACCIDENT THAT HE WOULD USE ME IN A BIG WAY SOMEDAY. GOD HAS ALLOWED ME TO REACH AND HELP FAR MORE PEOPLE THAN I COULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED. I AM NOT SPECIAL. I AM JUST AN ORDINARY MAN THAT REALIZED THERE WAS ONLY ONE WAY I WAS GETTING OUT OF THIS WORLD ALIVE; SUBMITTING TO JESUS CHRIST!
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