18 days after the death of my wife Kari, on July 15th 2006, I began a journal. At the time it just seemed like a good way to get my feelings out but now I realize the power it contains. Last night as I was reading through it, as tear drops fell, I realized I needed to capture it for all to read. It was strange that tear drops fell so long after her death but I felt such sorrow for the man I used to be and what he went through. The journal allows me to relive all the pain and emotions and I have a greater insight into how God used it to shape my heart. Sometimes a heart can become so hard it can no longer become soft without it being broken into a million pieces and then be put back together again. The shattering is terribly painful but once God puts the heart back together again the new softened heart will enable you experience a life that you never knew. I now know God and knowing Him is worth far more than any pain I could experience. I am so thankful for the pain He brought to my life.
June 15, 2006
Kari died on June 27th…18 days ago but it seems like yesterday. I feel so alone. I know she is dancing in heaven right now and that helps me some. My life how I knew it, is over. It has forever been changed. I am a single parent. Those words are so shocking and scary to me. I have lost my drive. Getting out of bed is hard. I recall conversations with Kari like they just happened. I feel it is unfair for me to keep living while Kari does not. I just have to remember to walk by faith. I have had a lot of support so far and that has helped but I long for intimacy, something I can’t have.
I still feel like my head is spinning like at the funeral but now my memory is quite good. I remember all the things that now make me hurt so bad. When will this 18 day nightmare be over? Life is so short. The last thing on Kari’s mind on the 27th was, “I’m going to die today.” It was my first day off from work and we would have had so much fun. She was just messing around like she always did until I woke up. I was to wake up in 15 minutes…that is so hard to take. I am forever scarred by what I saw that day. The one I protected and loved for all those years and to find her that way… I don’t understand why God works like this. Sometimes life seems so cruel.
We did everything together and now I am just alone. I went to sleep happily married and woke up brokenhearted and single. How do I go on from here? I pray all day every day for strength. God will see me through.
I struggled mightily with knowing that I possibly could have prevented her death if I had not been sleeping (I worked nights at the time). I carried a lot of that guilt around throughout my grief. Should have, could have, would have… But God through His mercy took that away and He also took the pain from what I saw when I found her. I am not forever scared by what I saw. I can still see it quite clearly but I am pain free. I don’t have nightmares and thinking about those memories does not drag me down. When God heals He heals completely.
June 15, 2006
Kari died on June 27th…18 days ago but it seems like yesterday. I feel so alone. I know she is dancing in heaven right now and that helps me some. My life how I knew it, is over. It has forever been changed. I am a single parent. Those words are so shocking and scary to me. I have lost my drive. Getting out of bed is hard. I recall conversations with Kari like they just happened. I feel it is unfair for me to keep living while Kari does not. I just have to remember to walk by faith. I have had a lot of support so far and that has helped but I long for intimacy, something I can’t have.
I still feel like my head is spinning like at the funeral but now my memory is quite good. I remember all the things that now make me hurt so bad. When will this 18 day nightmare be over? Life is so short. The last thing on Kari’s mind on the 27th was, “I’m going to die today.” It was my first day off from work and we would have had so much fun. She was just messing around like she always did until I woke up. I was to wake up in 15 minutes…that is so hard to take. I am forever scarred by what I saw that day. The one I protected and loved for all those years and to find her that way… I don’t understand why God works like this. Sometimes life seems so cruel.
We did everything together and now I am just alone. I went to sleep happily married and woke up brokenhearted and single. How do I go on from here? I pray all day every day for strength. God will see me through.
I struggled mightily with knowing that I possibly could have prevented her death if I had not been sleeping (I worked nights at the time). I carried a lot of that guilt around throughout my grief. Should have, could have, would have… But God through His mercy took that away and He also took the pain from what I saw when I found her. I am not forever scared by what I saw. I can still see it quite clearly but I am pain free. I don’t have nightmares and thinking about those memories does not drag me down. When God heals He heals completely.
July 16, 2006
I found some good pictures of Kari today and I cried uncontrollably. I hung up our family picture in the living room. I found Kari’s coats in a still packed box and I cried and cried as I went through her pockets and found a receipt, some gum, and some change. I held them close, smelled them all, and cried some more. I have been looking for our wedding video. I can honestly say I have never watched it but now I must. I know it is going to kill me but I have to do it. God give me the strength to do this.
I miss Kari so much. I am so alone. I so long for her embrace…it scares me sometimes. I feel so vulnerable right now. So clingy. I have to keep my distance from woman. My head is just so messed up. I just have to turn to God. That’s all I have. I can’t wait to get through this valley so I can help others. That’s all that matters to me now. I want to bless others. Life is so short. I need to live every minute of every day. Every day is a gift from God.
I still remember pulling those coats from the packed box and weeping uncontrollably on my knees. That was a very tough day. We had been so busy working on the house, things that we didn’t need remain packed. We had only been in the house four weeks or so when she died. I also remember having a tremendously difficult time being around woman. I could have very easily made a whole lot of bad choices but the power of God kept me away. I was strengthened through my many prayers.
I found some good pictures of Kari today and I cried uncontrollably. I hung up our family picture in the living room. I found Kari’s coats in a still packed box and I cried and cried as I went through her pockets and found a receipt, some gum, and some change. I held them close, smelled them all, and cried some more. I have been looking for our wedding video. I can honestly say I have never watched it but now I must. I know it is going to kill me but I have to do it. God give me the strength to do this.
I miss Kari so much. I am so alone. I so long for her embrace…it scares me sometimes. I feel so vulnerable right now. So clingy. I have to keep my distance from woman. My head is just so messed up. I just have to turn to God. That’s all I have. I can’t wait to get through this valley so I can help others. That’s all that matters to me now. I want to bless others. Life is so short. I need to live every minute of every day. Every day is a gift from God.
I still remember pulling those coats from the packed box and weeping uncontrollably on my knees. That was a very tough day. We had been so busy working on the house, things that we didn’t need remain packed. We had only been in the house four weeks or so when she died. I also remember having a tremendously difficult time being around woman. I could have very easily made a whole lot of bad choices but the power of God kept me away. I was strengthened through my many prayers.
July 17th, 2006
I had a very bad day today. Last night I had a dream and I don’t remember dreams very often. I hadn’t remembered one for months. But last night I kissed a woman. I am not sure who she was but I feel so awful. I think it is satan messing with my mind. If anything, I should have dreamed I was intimate with Kari. I miss Kari so much. I feel so terrible. How could I dream that?
Today I have felt so guilty. Why am I still alive? Why do I get to keep living? Kari could have raised the kids better than I can. Kari was a better person than me. Why do I get to live?
Who do I talk to now? Who can I trust? Kari loved our kids so much. They meant so much to her. I don’t compare to the way she was with them. Why did the kids get cheated? Why did Kari get cheated?
I hurt so badly, so deep down. I pray God takes the accident memories away from Lauren and I. I pray God takes away our pain and loneliness. I pray God mends my broken heart, shields me from sinful desires, and fills my emptiness with Himself.
I knew when I met Kari she was the one. No doubt in my mind. We had fun doing absolutely nothing. We did everything together. How do you go on when a part of you is missing?
I ran tonight and cried and asked God why the whole time. I got home and cried in the shower. They say time heals but it doesn’t start right away. Your shock protects you for a while but then the pain gets worse. The last few days have been the worst days of my life.
Dreaming about kissing another woman just crushed me. I honestly felt like I had cheated on my wife. It’s funny how I felt it was satan messing with me at the time. No doubt in my mind now that He indeed was. You can see from the rest of my day how that bad dream snowballed into the rest of the day. He was trying hard to derail me but I continued to hold onto God with everything I had.
As for the prayers, did God ever answer them. While the grief experience was horribly difficult, God brought me through the valley incredibly quick (approximately 3 months). As I have mentioned, I have no scars from the accident and all pain is gone. My heart has been put back together again and I am able to love fuller and deeper than ever before. Before the accident I loved the world. After the accident I loved God.
I had a very bad day today. Last night I had a dream and I don’t remember dreams very often. I hadn’t remembered one for months. But last night I kissed a woman. I am not sure who she was but I feel so awful. I think it is satan messing with my mind. If anything, I should have dreamed I was intimate with Kari. I miss Kari so much. I feel so terrible. How could I dream that?
Today I have felt so guilty. Why am I still alive? Why do I get to keep living? Kari could have raised the kids better than I can. Kari was a better person than me. Why do I get to live?
Who do I talk to now? Who can I trust? Kari loved our kids so much. They meant so much to her. I don’t compare to the way she was with them. Why did the kids get cheated? Why did Kari get cheated?
I hurt so badly, so deep down. I pray God takes the accident memories away from Lauren and I. I pray God takes away our pain and loneliness. I pray God mends my broken heart, shields me from sinful desires, and fills my emptiness with Himself.
I knew when I met Kari she was the one. No doubt in my mind. We had fun doing absolutely nothing. We did everything together. How do you go on when a part of you is missing?
I ran tonight and cried and asked God why the whole time. I got home and cried in the shower. They say time heals but it doesn’t start right away. Your shock protects you for a while but then the pain gets worse. The last few days have been the worst days of my life.
Dreaming about kissing another woman just crushed me. I honestly felt like I had cheated on my wife. It’s funny how I felt it was satan messing with me at the time. No doubt in my mind now that He indeed was. You can see from the rest of my day how that bad dream snowballed into the rest of the day. He was trying hard to derail me but I continued to hold onto God with everything I had.
As for the prayers, did God ever answer them. While the grief experience was horribly difficult, God brought me through the valley incredibly quick (approximately 3 months). As I have mentioned, I have no scars from the accident and all pain is gone. My heart has been put back together again and I am able to love fuller and deeper than ever before. Before the accident I loved the world. After the accident I loved God.
July 18, 2006
I am closer to God than I have ever been. A very positive from a very negative. I cried quite a bit today. I am so emotional. It doesn’t take much to send me over the edge.
I ran tonight. When I got home it was starting to get dark and in the darkness I felt so so alone. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I see the accident over and over again. I cry. I think I can continue to live in the house but I’m not sure. This place was our dream.
I can’t wait to be used by God in whatever way that is. I want to help others, I want to love others. I am so much more compassionate now then what I was.
Kari and I talked a few times about the what ifs…like I really thought it would happen. We both agreed the other should go on with their life and be happy and possibly remarry. I don’t know what God has in store for me. For the first time in my life I don’t know what is next. Only one day at a time. The kids and I, that is all I am worried about. To teach the kids right. To teach them about God. Not only by words but also by actions.
It helps to talk to Godly people. I know God is using others to comfort me. Everyone has been so nice.
For the first time in my life I started having strong feelings to work for God and strong love for people. The closer I drew to God the more I wanted to go and do. I had always been a homebody and a private person so this was all new to me. I actually wanted to talk to people and help them. I was being transformed right before my eyes.
I am closer to God than I have ever been. A very positive from a very negative. I cried quite a bit today. I am so emotional. It doesn’t take much to send me over the edge.
I ran tonight. When I got home it was starting to get dark and in the darkness I felt so so alone. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I see the accident over and over again. I cry. I think I can continue to live in the house but I’m not sure. This place was our dream.
I can’t wait to be used by God in whatever way that is. I want to help others, I want to love others. I am so much more compassionate now then what I was.
Kari and I talked a few times about the what ifs…like I really thought it would happen. We both agreed the other should go on with their life and be happy and possibly remarry. I don’t know what God has in store for me. For the first time in my life I don’t know what is next. Only one day at a time. The kids and I, that is all I am worried about. To teach the kids right. To teach them about God. Not only by words but also by actions.
It helps to talk to Godly people. I know God is using others to comfort me. Everyone has been so nice.
For the first time in my life I started having strong feelings to work for God and strong love for people. The closer I drew to God the more I wanted to go and do. I had always been a homebody and a private person so this was all new to me. I actually wanted to talk to people and help them. I was being transformed right before my eyes.
July 19, 2006
Another day, more tears, what fun. Had another dream last night, another woman, another passionate kiss. I’m one stop from going to the loony farm, and I have to raise kids. I took Lauren and Luke shopping today. It was so hard. There were happy couples everywhere I looked. Tears in my eyes whenever I was driving.
We also went to the park to play and meet church people at their softball game. We then went to Pizza King with them after…BAD BAD idea. There was no therapy in all this. One lady asked Luke, “Does Luke like tractors?” Another lady said, “Me and my husband do everything together.” I just wanted out of there. At the park Luke and Lauren climbed up on a big play tractor and they were both sitting on the seat in front of the steering wheel…I saw them and my stomached went in knots and I just wanted to lie down. I had flashbacks of Kari underneath the tractor and I began to feel sick. The world is going 1,000 miles an hour and it feels like you are not even moving. I don’t think I will be doing much more of the get together s anytime soon…at least not with strangers.
This weekend should be some good healing time. The kids are going to their aunts again so I can concentrate on myself more. Man, I miss my wife. I took her pillow off the bed tonight and I just hugged it for a minute with tears. I pray God gives me strength, helps me in my work interview coming up, and takes away my slutty dreams. I don’t know what, but God is making something out of me. You can’t go through something like this and not be changed. I pray for me and my family’s future.
What a horrible emotionally draining day this was. It seemed every time I turned around, someone was kicking me in the stomach. My heart was so weakened after leaving the Pizza King I could hardly stand. And once again, this horrible day started with a bad dream from satan and the day never got any better. It seemed God kept allowing him to attack me from time to time as I could handle it. God didn’t want to kill me, just take me to the edge to refine me. I knew deep within my spirit that God was making something out of me.
Another day, more tears, what fun. Had another dream last night, another woman, another passionate kiss. I’m one stop from going to the loony farm, and I have to raise kids. I took Lauren and Luke shopping today. It was so hard. There were happy couples everywhere I looked. Tears in my eyes whenever I was driving.
We also went to the park to play and meet church people at their softball game. We then went to Pizza King with them after…BAD BAD idea. There was no therapy in all this. One lady asked Luke, “Does Luke like tractors?” Another lady said, “Me and my husband do everything together.” I just wanted out of there. At the park Luke and Lauren climbed up on a big play tractor and they were both sitting on the seat in front of the steering wheel…I saw them and my stomached went in knots and I just wanted to lie down. I had flashbacks of Kari underneath the tractor and I began to feel sick. The world is going 1,000 miles an hour and it feels like you are not even moving. I don’t think I will be doing much more of the get together s anytime soon…at least not with strangers.
This weekend should be some good healing time. The kids are going to their aunts again so I can concentrate on myself more. Man, I miss my wife. I took her pillow off the bed tonight and I just hugged it for a minute with tears. I pray God gives me strength, helps me in my work interview coming up, and takes away my slutty dreams. I don’t know what, but God is making something out of me. You can’t go through something like this and not be changed. I pray for me and my family’s future.
What a horrible emotionally draining day this was. It seemed every time I turned around, someone was kicking me in the stomach. My heart was so weakened after leaving the Pizza King I could hardly stand. And once again, this horrible day started with a bad dream from satan and the day never got any better. It seemed God kept allowing him to attack me from time to time as I could handle it. God didn’t want to kill me, just take me to the edge to refine me. I knew deep within my spirit that God was making something out of me.
July 20, 2006
How could it get any worse? I am hurting so bad! It becomes more real every day and every day seems to get harder. I don’t know if I can do this. My strength is gone. I loved Kari with everything I had. I know it’s selfish but I asked God to take me home tonight. I know I have to go on for the kids but I don’t know if I can. I am worn down, tired, I am drained…and I’m not even working yet. I keep thinking that today will be a little better but it’s always worse. I am going crazy! I was talking to myself in the Walmart parking lot. Kari always hated to be cold and I thought about that and said with strong emotion, “Don’t worry Kari, you won’t be cold anymore because your dead.” I started crying and cried the 20 minute drive home. I really don’t know about all this. I don’t know how much more I can handle. I found our wedding video but I couldn’t watch it.
The funeral home called and said they got the death certificate. That call hit me so hard! It’s starting to feel more and more real and I’m having trouble dealing with it. I don’t know what to do. I guess I will pray now and cry myself to sleep.
This was one of the hardest days in the valley! I left the house knowing that it was probably going to storm but I had to run anyway. Soon after the rain starting falling and the lighting started flashing across the sky I looked up into the rain and cried out to God to take me home. I passionately yelled it again and again. The rain mixed with the tears as I continued looking up and pleading with God for what must have been 10 solid minutes alongside the road. He finally strengthened me enough to continue my run and I made it home.
To make matters so much worse, that phone call from the funeral home after I got home from my run somehow made Kari’s death official. They were now mailing me proof that she was never coming back. I did not take it well at all. It’s one of those memories where you remember exactly where you were standing when you had the conversation. It just hit me as I am writing this but Fawn and I married in that exact spot in the house 6 months to the day of that phone call, on January 20, 2007. God is so good!
How could it get any worse? I am hurting so bad! It becomes more real every day and every day seems to get harder. I don’t know if I can do this. My strength is gone. I loved Kari with everything I had. I know it’s selfish but I asked God to take me home tonight. I know I have to go on for the kids but I don’t know if I can. I am worn down, tired, I am drained…and I’m not even working yet. I keep thinking that today will be a little better but it’s always worse. I am going crazy! I was talking to myself in the Walmart parking lot. Kari always hated to be cold and I thought about that and said with strong emotion, “Don’t worry Kari, you won’t be cold anymore because your dead.” I started crying and cried the 20 minute drive home. I really don’t know about all this. I don’t know how much more I can handle. I found our wedding video but I couldn’t watch it.
The funeral home called and said they got the death certificate. That call hit me so hard! It’s starting to feel more and more real and I’m having trouble dealing with it. I don’t know what to do. I guess I will pray now and cry myself to sleep.
This was one of the hardest days in the valley! I left the house knowing that it was probably going to storm but I had to run anyway. Soon after the rain starting falling and the lighting started flashing across the sky I looked up into the rain and cried out to God to take me home. I passionately yelled it again and again. The rain mixed with the tears as I continued looking up and pleading with God for what must have been 10 solid minutes alongside the road. He finally strengthened me enough to continue my run and I made it home.
To make matters so much worse, that phone call from the funeral home after I got home from my run somehow made Kari’s death official. They were now mailing me proof that she was never coming back. I did not take it well at all. It’s one of those memories where you remember exactly where you were standing when you had the conversation. It just hit me as I am writing this but Fawn and I married in that exact spot in the house 6 months to the day of that phone call, on January 20, 2007. God is so good!
July 22, 2006
What a day today has been. Went fishing had fun. Came home and I crashed big time. I lost control! I don’t even remember what I was saying. I was yelling while I was lifting weights. My head was spinning, I was shaking. I felt like a fruity pebble. I later watched part of our wedding video and cried a lot. I called my friends Joel and Desiree and that helped a lot but I was still totally out of control when I left the house on the four wheeler. By the time I got back home I started to feel better. I think it was answered prayer because I was a mess until that point. I left the house to go running and that went good and I didn’t cry when I got home…that was a first. Actually, I have been calm since. I am sure I will cry when I pray soon but God has given me peace the last 4 hours. This all has taken me by such surprise. I don’t think you could ever be ready for something like this. I have to learn to be single again and that is so hard. It has almost been a month since Kari went to heaven but it is so fresh with me. I have to get better for the kids. I love them so much. Today was the worst day so far. I think because I lost control so bad it was scary. I think God for Joel and Desiree and everyone that He has sent us. I pray for strength, comfort, and wisdom. I pray for sanity and I pray to avoid sin.
If there was ever a day for me to do something really stupid this was the day. I lost control and there was no one at home to keep me in check. I was shaking so bad I had to sit in a chair. In desperation I called my friends but they were an hour away. They offered to come but I told them I would be ok. Looking back I probably lied because I had no idea if I was going to be ok.
After I got off the phone I prayed and then my out of control tirade continued on the four wheeler. I yelled and screamed as I sped through the woods going entirely too fast I am sure. But somehow someway God kept me safe and by the time I had got home I was completely calm. That four hours of peace and calm was an absolute blessing from God. It was the calmest, most peaceful time I had, had since the funeral. I don’t even remember crying that night when I prayed.
What a day today has been. Went fishing had fun. Came home and I crashed big time. I lost control! I don’t even remember what I was saying. I was yelling while I was lifting weights. My head was spinning, I was shaking. I felt like a fruity pebble. I later watched part of our wedding video and cried a lot. I called my friends Joel and Desiree and that helped a lot but I was still totally out of control when I left the house on the four wheeler. By the time I got back home I started to feel better. I think it was answered prayer because I was a mess until that point. I left the house to go running and that went good and I didn’t cry when I got home…that was a first. Actually, I have been calm since. I am sure I will cry when I pray soon but God has given me peace the last 4 hours. This all has taken me by such surprise. I don’t think you could ever be ready for something like this. I have to learn to be single again and that is so hard. It has almost been a month since Kari went to heaven but it is so fresh with me. I have to get better for the kids. I love them so much. Today was the worst day so far. I think because I lost control so bad it was scary. I think God for Joel and Desiree and everyone that He has sent us. I pray for strength, comfort, and wisdom. I pray for sanity and I pray to avoid sin.
If there was ever a day for me to do something really stupid this was the day. I lost control and there was no one at home to keep me in check. I was shaking so bad I had to sit in a chair. In desperation I called my friends but they were an hour away. They offered to come but I told them I would be ok. Looking back I probably lied because I had no idea if I was going to be ok.
After I got off the phone I prayed and then my out of control tirade continued on the four wheeler. I yelled and screamed as I sped through the woods going entirely too fast I am sure. But somehow someway God kept me safe and by the time I had got home I was completely calm. That four hours of peace and calm was an absolute blessing from God. It was the calmest, most peaceful time I had, had since the funeral. I don’t even remember crying that night when I prayed.
July 23, 2006
God has given me comfort and peace today. Very few tears. I have not thought about the accident much. I have been thinking happy thoughts. Happy memories. Thinking of Kari in heaven. My parents went to church with us today. This is so awesome! I have wanted them there for a long time. The preaching was awesome today too. I feel a purpose and a passion now.
I got down on my knees last night and begged God for strength and comfort. Then this morning when I was feeling my heartache coming back I got down on my knees again and begged for His help.
Today has been ok. I felt God’s presence. I know He gives me strength and I need to lean on Him more. He has helped me. I have 2 awesome kids and I am going to be an awesome dad! They are going to know I get my strength from Jesus Christ! I pray that I never forget that God is always first, number one, all that really matters. The things of this earth don’t matter. We are only here for a little while then we move on to the good stuff! J
The power of prayer is real. July 23 was probably the best day I had up to this point since the funeral. What changed? I pleaded with God for His help. Again, I think God only allowed me so much at a time as He continued to refine me with fire. This day He placed me in the water to give me a bit of a break. You can tell through my positivity and the smiley face I drew, that God’s joy was just starting to break through the clouds but the storm was far from over.
God has given me comfort and peace today. Very few tears. I have not thought about the accident much. I have been thinking happy thoughts. Happy memories. Thinking of Kari in heaven. My parents went to church with us today. This is so awesome! I have wanted them there for a long time. The preaching was awesome today too. I feel a purpose and a passion now.
I got down on my knees last night and begged God for strength and comfort. Then this morning when I was feeling my heartache coming back I got down on my knees again and begged for His help.
Today has been ok. I felt God’s presence. I know He gives me strength and I need to lean on Him more. He has helped me. I have 2 awesome kids and I am going to be an awesome dad! They are going to know I get my strength from Jesus Christ! I pray that I never forget that God is always first, number one, all that really matters. The things of this earth don’t matter. We are only here for a little while then we move on to the good stuff! J
The power of prayer is real. July 23 was probably the best day I had up to this point since the funeral. What changed? I pleaded with God for His help. Again, I think God only allowed me so much at a time as He continued to refine me with fire. This day He placed me in the water to give me a bit of a break. You can tell through my positivity and the smiley face I drew, that God’s joy was just starting to break through the clouds but the storm was far from over.
July 24, 2006
Another ok day. I’m not sure what I am feeling right now. I think its just a peace God has given me. My heart still aches but in a different way. I feel I have the comfort that I have been praying so much for. I have been thinking more not on what Kari missed out on but what and where she got to go first. I continue to draw closer to God. I am so thankful for answered prayers. I am so thankful for my two wonderful kids. I am so thankful for an awesome, forgiving, loving God! Kari changed me in so many different ways in the 12 years I knew her. In her death she continues to change me. God sent her to me to teach me about having a relationship with Him, to teach me about helping others, and about empathizing with others. I know live my life the way God wanted me to all along. I see and feel everything He intended for us. I never got all that before. Thank you Kari for 12 awesome years and thank you God for allowing me to borrow one of your servants for a while. I loved her so much!
On this day I realized I had been totally changed. At the time I had no idea that I had just received the Holy Spirit since Kari's death. I was always taught you received it when you said a prayer but God has since opened my eyes to something entirely different. In my brokenness and pleading, God had finally come to live in me. I was a changed man and even though I was still a wreck, I was experiencing God’s peace. I was trying to make since of it all as I wrote in the journal for the day.
Another ok day. I’m not sure what I am feeling right now. I think its just a peace God has given me. My heart still aches but in a different way. I feel I have the comfort that I have been praying so much for. I have been thinking more not on what Kari missed out on but what and where she got to go first. I continue to draw closer to God. I am so thankful for answered prayers. I am so thankful for my two wonderful kids. I am so thankful for an awesome, forgiving, loving God! Kari changed me in so many different ways in the 12 years I knew her. In her death she continues to change me. God sent her to me to teach me about having a relationship with Him, to teach me about helping others, and about empathizing with others. I know live my life the way God wanted me to all along. I see and feel everything He intended for us. I never got all that before. Thank you Kari for 12 awesome years and thank you God for allowing me to borrow one of your servants for a while. I loved her so much!
On this day I realized I had been totally changed. At the time I had no idea that I had just received the Holy Spirit since Kari's death. I was always taught you received it when you said a prayer but God has since opened my eyes to something entirely different. In my brokenness and pleading, God had finally come to live in me. I was a changed man and even though I was still a wreck, I was experiencing God’s peace. I was trying to make since of it all as I wrote in the journal for the day.
July 25, 2006
Had an ok day today I guess. I looked at pictures and cried some but made it through. Then tonight Kari’s sister called and told me her dad wasn’t doing so well. He was feeling guilty over what had happened. I have been struggling with it ever since. My mind has really been messing with me. Waves of grief have been pounding me hard the last few hours. I just have to remember you can’t change anything and there must be a reason. I just want to puke! You want to run away but there is nowhere to run to. I am stuck. I am miserable. I am depressed. Something reminds me of Kari every minute. She was such a big part of my life. I am so empty and tired. God give me super human strength, peace, comfort, and wisdom. Give me hope and restore some kind of happiness. God keep me from going crazy. I feel a little crazy tonight. God help me!
Like a roller-coaster, today was a day back in the valley. I had a nice break but I should have known there was more pain ahead. But even through the pain, I began to realize that God was using the accident in a big way. I knew there was a reason. Through the pain I had hope because of HIm.
Had an ok day today I guess. I looked at pictures and cried some but made it through. Then tonight Kari’s sister called and told me her dad wasn’t doing so well. He was feeling guilty over what had happened. I have been struggling with it ever since. My mind has really been messing with me. Waves of grief have been pounding me hard the last few hours. I just have to remember you can’t change anything and there must be a reason. I just want to puke! You want to run away but there is nowhere to run to. I am stuck. I am miserable. I am depressed. Something reminds me of Kari every minute. She was such a big part of my life. I am so empty and tired. God give me super human strength, peace, comfort, and wisdom. Give me hope and restore some kind of happiness. God keep me from going crazy. I feel a little crazy tonight. God help me!
Like a roller-coaster, today was a day back in the valley. I had a nice break but I should have known there was more pain ahead. But even through the pain, I began to realize that God was using the accident in a big way. I knew there was a reason. Through the pain I had hope because of HIm.
July 26, 2006
Another crappy day! They all just flow together. I have no motivation. I can’t stay focused on a task for very long. I become tired easily. Depressing. I know I am at rock bottom. As bad as it is, that’s a good thing. Only one direction to go, right? I have noticed my confidence shaken a little lately. Kari believed in me and had a lot of confidence in me. Kari was the one close friend I had. Who do you tell the stupid stuff to? Who picks you up after a bad day? Who gives you words of encouragement when you need it most?
I miss Kari so much! I am so happy for her! She got to bypass so much pain here and go straight to the big house.
A month has passed and it has been 98.5% hell. I cling to the 1.5%. My kids are so wonderful. I know my life will be fun again. I know God has a plan for me.
I still see the accident over and over in my mind. I pray God takes it from Lauren and I.
I want to have fun again. I want to laugh again. I want to dream again. God restore me! I don’t know how long the pain will last. I’m just so so tired.
So many thoughts were running through my mind. I was torn between my broken heart and having joy in God. As a young child of God, I didn’t realize how immature my faith was. I was still focused on a person bringing you joy and confidence. It would take me years to finally learn and understand everything we need comes from God. People will always fail you. People don’t live forever. God is always there. I don’t ‘need’ anything from anyone else. God is my source for everything.
Another crappy day! They all just flow together. I have no motivation. I can’t stay focused on a task for very long. I become tired easily. Depressing. I know I am at rock bottom. As bad as it is, that’s a good thing. Only one direction to go, right? I have noticed my confidence shaken a little lately. Kari believed in me and had a lot of confidence in me. Kari was the one close friend I had. Who do you tell the stupid stuff to? Who picks you up after a bad day? Who gives you words of encouragement when you need it most?
I miss Kari so much! I am so happy for her! She got to bypass so much pain here and go straight to the big house.
A month has passed and it has been 98.5% hell. I cling to the 1.5%. My kids are so wonderful. I know my life will be fun again. I know God has a plan for me.
I still see the accident over and over in my mind. I pray God takes it from Lauren and I.
I want to have fun again. I want to laugh again. I want to dream again. God restore me! I don’t know how long the pain will last. I’m just so so tired.
So many thoughts were running through my mind. I was torn between my broken heart and having joy in God. As a young child of God, I didn’t realize how immature my faith was. I was still focused on a person bringing you joy and confidence. It would take me years to finally learn and understand everything we need comes from God. People will always fail you. People don’t live forever. God is always there. I don’t ‘need’ anything from anyone else. God is my source for everything.
July 27, 2006
Will it ever end? More tears, more pain! Another day gone. One month has passed. Someone came out to do some excavating today and they wouldn’t take any money. I almost cried as I felt God’s love. It should have cost $400.
I also sold the tractor today. I am glad that is behind me and I am glad I didn’t have to see it.
I don’t know what to do next. I am tired of being alone and depressed. I am not a depressed person. This is killing me!
It is so hard to get out of bed in the morning. If it wasn’t for the kids I couldn’t. Luke wakes me up and I lay awake until I have to get him. I get up and I am drained. “Another wonderful day,” I say to myself. Today I pray for hope, comfort, and peace. Thank you God for today.
The excavator had come out a few weeks before Kari’s death to quote the job and Kari and I talked with Him for a while. He told us about His church and we decided to visit there the next Sunday. He was supposed to be out a few days after Kari died but he had heard about the accident so he didn’t come. I called him to ask him if he was still coming out and he said sure, he just didn’t want to bother me right now. When he wouldn’t accept money after finishing the job it was hard to control my emotions and I know I wiped some tears away when they looked away.
It was so good to finally have that tractor off my to do list. I didn’t want to see it, I didn’t want anything to do with it. There were even tools left in it that the guy buying the tractor tried to give back when he gave me the check but I told him no thanks.
I still remember lying in bed hearing Luke hollering those mornings. I felt like I had a giant elephant sitting on my chest when I woke up. Just to get out of bed was exhausting. I just felt like I had nothing to get up for.
Will it ever end? More tears, more pain! Another day gone. One month has passed. Someone came out to do some excavating today and they wouldn’t take any money. I almost cried as I felt God’s love. It should have cost $400.
I also sold the tractor today. I am glad that is behind me and I am glad I didn’t have to see it.
I don’t know what to do next. I am tired of being alone and depressed. I am not a depressed person. This is killing me!
It is so hard to get out of bed in the morning. If it wasn’t for the kids I couldn’t. Luke wakes me up and I lay awake until I have to get him. I get up and I am drained. “Another wonderful day,” I say to myself. Today I pray for hope, comfort, and peace. Thank you God for today.
The excavator had come out a few weeks before Kari’s death to quote the job and Kari and I talked with Him for a while. He told us about His church and we decided to visit there the next Sunday. He was supposed to be out a few days after Kari died but he had heard about the accident so he didn’t come. I called him to ask him if he was still coming out and he said sure, he just didn’t want to bother me right now. When he wouldn’t accept money after finishing the job it was hard to control my emotions and I know I wiped some tears away when they looked away.
It was so good to finally have that tractor off my to do list. I didn’t want to see it, I didn’t want anything to do with it. There were even tools left in it that the guy buying the tractor tried to give back when he gave me the check but I told him no thanks.
I still remember lying in bed hearing Luke hollering those mornings. I felt like I had a giant elephant sitting on my chest when I woke up. Just to get out of bed was exhausting. I just felt like I had nothing to get up for.
July 28, 2006
I’m starting to get a little more focused now. I am starting to be able to work around the house now. I don’t have the same feelings towards woman that I did (I no longer ‘need’ comfort from one). I see light way down at the other end of the tunnel. I still see the accident in my mind all day, every day and that is so hard. The kids are doing well and I want to be there for them in every way.
We went to the 4H fair today. While Lauren was riding the rides, I couldn’t control the tears. Loneliness started setting in as I stood there with Luke in his stroller. Reliving the accident. It was overwhelming.
I have no choice. This is what God has dealt us. We still have a lot to be thankful for. Kari has run her race and received her prize. She has left an ugly and corrupt world behind. No more sadness, no aches, no pain. It wasn’t what we had planned. I know we would have grown old together. But she is happier than ever and I know she will be in my welcoming party when I get called home.
Thank you God for all that you have done in our lives. Thank you for surrounding us with your love and support through family and friends. God continue to bless us.
While it was great that my motivation and energy was coming back, going to the fair was not very comforting for me. It seemed every time we did something for the first time without Kari, there were new waves of grief that I hadn’t felt before. Kari was the one that liked to fly high and go fast. Not having her there made me feel extra empty and when Lauren was riding rides, I didn’t even have my little 6 year old to talk to. I was alone in a new town and that created a greater sense of feeling isolated and it often was too much to handle without tears.
I’m starting to get a little more focused now. I am starting to be able to work around the house now. I don’t have the same feelings towards woman that I did (I no longer ‘need’ comfort from one). I see light way down at the other end of the tunnel. I still see the accident in my mind all day, every day and that is so hard. The kids are doing well and I want to be there for them in every way.
We went to the 4H fair today. While Lauren was riding the rides, I couldn’t control the tears. Loneliness started setting in as I stood there with Luke in his stroller. Reliving the accident. It was overwhelming.
I have no choice. This is what God has dealt us. We still have a lot to be thankful for. Kari has run her race and received her prize. She has left an ugly and corrupt world behind. No more sadness, no aches, no pain. It wasn’t what we had planned. I know we would have grown old together. But she is happier than ever and I know she will be in my welcoming party when I get called home.
Thank you God for all that you have done in our lives. Thank you for surrounding us with your love and support through family and friends. God continue to bless us.
While it was great that my motivation and energy was coming back, going to the fair was not very comforting for me. It seemed every time we did something for the first time without Kari, there were new waves of grief that I hadn’t felt before. Kari was the one that liked to fly high and go fast. Not having her there made me feel extra empty and when Lauren was riding rides, I didn’t even have my little 6 year old to talk to. I was alone in a new town and that created a greater sense of feeling isolated and it often was too much to handle without tears.
July 29, 2006
We went to a Christian concert today with Kari’s sister and the kids. It was good but I wasn’t totally there. Waves of grief kept attacking me. The drive there and back was also bad because I had too much time to do nothing but think. The pain feels about 1% less. God has been giving me some peace. I keep seeing Kari dancing in heaven. At the same time, the accident continues to haunt me. I can’t shake it. It is a living hell!
Kari’s mom is leaving for church camp this week. The loneliness part really scares me. I can foresee a tough week coming up. Lauren will be going to camp too. This could be really tough!
I miss my best friend. I have no one to talk to. I feel so sad for Lauren and Luke, Lauren especially. I think of the kids and I cry. I found a note on Kari’s dresser the other day from Lauren. It read, “I love you mom and I like you more than flowers, love Lauren.” It just kills me for her. They were so close. I hate this. I didn’t sign up for this!
God give me hope, love, and faith. God give me super human strength and comfort. God thank you for today.
Too much time to think about things was not a good thing for me at that time. I usually tried to grieve in small amounts so a long drive to Indianapolis and back was a bit much.
My grief began to shift from me to the kids. Not that I wasn’t still hurting because I was badly, but the selfish me was fading and I began to grieve their grief. This is not something that I had ever felt before. It was part of my new nature that God was creating in me.
We went to a Christian concert today with Kari’s sister and the kids. It was good but I wasn’t totally there. Waves of grief kept attacking me. The drive there and back was also bad because I had too much time to do nothing but think. The pain feels about 1% less. God has been giving me some peace. I keep seeing Kari dancing in heaven. At the same time, the accident continues to haunt me. I can’t shake it. It is a living hell!
Kari’s mom is leaving for church camp this week. The loneliness part really scares me. I can foresee a tough week coming up. Lauren will be going to camp too. This could be really tough!
I miss my best friend. I have no one to talk to. I feel so sad for Lauren and Luke, Lauren especially. I think of the kids and I cry. I found a note on Kari’s dresser the other day from Lauren. It read, “I love you mom and I like you more than flowers, love Lauren.” It just kills me for her. They were so close. I hate this. I didn’t sign up for this!
God give me hope, love, and faith. God give me super human strength and comfort. God thank you for today.
Too much time to think about things was not a good thing for me at that time. I usually tried to grieve in small amounts so a long drive to Indianapolis and back was a bit much.
My grief began to shift from me to the kids. Not that I wasn’t still hurting because I was badly, but the selfish me was fading and I began to grieve their grief. This is not something that I had ever felt before. It was part of my new nature that God was creating in me.
July 30, 2006
Not a tear today. I could have cried a few times but I didn’t. I feel God’s hand on my shoulder. There is no other way to explain where I am at right now. Peace and hope. God has filled me with peace and hope. I finally feel a little break from the pain. Not because I miss Kari any less. I have leaned on God and He is holding me up. I know Kari is in a totally awesome place. I miss her dearly but I will see her again, God willing. I have a big job ahead of me and with God I know I can do an awesome job. I love Lauren and Luke so much! I don’t worry about them having the best this or that or what college they will go to, or what sport they will play. Who cares? I worry about them knowing and loving God. Nothing else matters, nothing!
This is what God has dealt me. I have no choice and I didn’t ask or sign up for this, but I will not fail. My faith is strong! I can do anything through Christ who gives me strength. Thank you Lord for peace, comfort, strength, hope, faith, and love. I could do nothing without you. Thank you for today!
Looking back, this day was another of those breakthrough days of my walk with God. God continues to refine me with the pain, and as He does, my faith and strength continues to grow. His Spirit was teaching me what was important in life. For the longest time, my priorities were all messed up but now without thinking about it or willing it, my personality was changing daily. That is the power of the Holy Spirit.
Not a tear today. I could have cried a few times but I didn’t. I feel God’s hand on my shoulder. There is no other way to explain where I am at right now. Peace and hope. God has filled me with peace and hope. I finally feel a little break from the pain. Not because I miss Kari any less. I have leaned on God and He is holding me up. I know Kari is in a totally awesome place. I miss her dearly but I will see her again, God willing. I have a big job ahead of me and with God I know I can do an awesome job. I love Lauren and Luke so much! I don’t worry about them having the best this or that or what college they will go to, or what sport they will play. Who cares? I worry about them knowing and loving God. Nothing else matters, nothing!
This is what God has dealt me. I have no choice and I didn’t ask or sign up for this, but I will not fail. My faith is strong! I can do anything through Christ who gives me strength. Thank you Lord for peace, comfort, strength, hope, faith, and love. I could do nothing without you. Thank you for today!
Looking back, this day was another of those breakthrough days of my walk with God. God continues to refine me with the pain, and as He does, my faith and strength continues to grow. His Spirit was teaching me what was important in life. For the longest time, my priorities were all messed up but now without thinking about it or willing it, my personality was changing daily. That is the power of the Holy Spirit.
July 31, 2006
God continues to pour out His love and grace on me. I cried some today. I thought about Kari and just cried. She is in an awesome place. I am excited for her! I will see her in heaven whenever God takes me home. I look forward to heaven more than ever. I am not scared of dying. We all die. This is just the pit stop along the way. Actually this place is cruel. Heaven is so much better! My faith in God grows. I have been changed!
God continue to pour down blessings onto us. God give me peace and wisdom. Jesus come into me and fill me up with your presence until you overflow. Live through my hands. Restore me! Thank you for today.
God continues to give me an indescribable peace at a very difficult time in my life. Just a month and a half since her death and receiving the Holy Spirit, and the changes in me are immeasurable. For the first time ever in my life, I was not scared of dying and I continue to realize something in me has changed. All the bad days are not behind me but God continues to give me days of hope.
God continues to pour out His love and grace on me. I cried some today. I thought about Kari and just cried. She is in an awesome place. I am excited for her! I will see her in heaven whenever God takes me home. I look forward to heaven more than ever. I am not scared of dying. We all die. This is just the pit stop along the way. Actually this place is cruel. Heaven is so much better! My faith in God grows. I have been changed!
God continue to pour down blessings onto us. God give me peace and wisdom. Jesus come into me and fill me up with your presence until you overflow. Live through my hands. Restore me! Thank you for today.
God continues to give me an indescribable peace at a very difficult time in my life. Just a month and a half since her death and receiving the Holy Spirit, and the changes in me are immeasurable. For the first time ever in my life, I was not scared of dying and I continue to realize something in me has changed. All the bad days are not behind me but God continues to give me days of hope.
August 1, 2006
God is with me and love that! I miss Kari. I know she is in jubilation right now but I still really miss her here. No one to talk to. No one to hold. No one to kiss.
God continues to pour out strength and peace on me. God continues to show His love for me. I am ready to die. Whenever my time is… Hopefully I can get the kids raised first. God’s will be done, not mine.
God fill me up with you until I overflow. Use my hands for your kingdom. Nothing else matters to me Lord. Forgive my sins. Thank you for today.
Experiencing God was still so new to me but I was so thankful for His help. My heart still ached for intimacy but God was my only real friend. I mean, I had people checking in and helping out, but they all had their own lives. God was never too busy for me. I was literally ready to die to be with Him but I also wanted to raise my kids to know Him like I did…I was torn. God was there when I woke up and He was there when I cried myself to sleep. The rest that He gave me during this time was much needed and in the moment I felt like I was climbing out. But the coming days would shock me back to reality. The nightmare was not over.
God is with me and love that! I miss Kari. I know she is in jubilation right now but I still really miss her here. No one to talk to. No one to hold. No one to kiss.
God continues to pour out strength and peace on me. God continues to show His love for me. I am ready to die. Whenever my time is… Hopefully I can get the kids raised first. God’s will be done, not mine.
God fill me up with you until I overflow. Use my hands for your kingdom. Nothing else matters to me Lord. Forgive my sins. Thank you for today.
Experiencing God was still so new to me but I was so thankful for His help. My heart still ached for intimacy but God was my only real friend. I mean, I had people checking in and helping out, but they all had their own lives. God was never too busy for me. I was literally ready to die to be with Him but I also wanted to raise my kids to know Him like I did…I was torn. God was there when I woke up and He was there when I cried myself to sleep. The rest that He gave me during this time was much needed and in the moment I felt like I was climbing out. But the coming days would shock me back to reality. The nightmare was not over.
August 2, 2006
I am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare! I cried quite a bit today. More memories are coming back to me. Every restaurant I drove by, I recalled memories of Kari and I there. So painful! I have been by myself today since 3:00. It is hard to be by myself. I have to turn on my music and praise God.
This is 1,000 times harder than anything I have ever experienced. Word’s don’t explain the pain. A piece of me is forever gone. So many hard things that run through my mind I am now single. Will I ever marry again? Could I? I won’t think about the possibility for a good while. I have so many other more important things to worry about.
All I need is God. Jesus fill me up till I overflow with your love. Restore me. Give me endurance to get through this. Thank you for today.
I still remember the waves of grief that came over me when I went into town on August 2. I was driving by Wendy’s on my way to Walmart when the pain blindsided me out of nowhere. I cried until I got to the store, dried my tears enough to go in, and then cried all the way home. I am not sure I would have survived without singing out to God. I knew what Jesus meant when He said in Luke 19:40 "I tell you," he replied, "if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out." I had to cry out to Him or I was going to explode from the pain.
I am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare! I cried quite a bit today. More memories are coming back to me. Every restaurant I drove by, I recalled memories of Kari and I there. So painful! I have been by myself today since 3:00. It is hard to be by myself. I have to turn on my music and praise God.
This is 1,000 times harder than anything I have ever experienced. Word’s don’t explain the pain. A piece of me is forever gone. So many hard things that run through my mind I am now single. Will I ever marry again? Could I? I won’t think about the possibility for a good while. I have so many other more important things to worry about.
All I need is God. Jesus fill me up till I overflow with your love. Restore me. Give me endurance to get through this. Thank you for today.
I still remember the waves of grief that came over me when I went into town on August 2. I was driving by Wendy’s on my way to Walmart when the pain blindsided me out of nowhere. I cried until I got to the store, dried my tears enough to go in, and then cried all the way home. I am not sure I would have survived without singing out to God. I knew what Jesus meant when He said in Luke 19:40 "I tell you," he replied, "if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out." I had to cry out to Him or I was going to explode from the pain.
August 3, 2006
What a day today has been! At home by myself. So hard. I looked at recent pictures today that were taken 9 days before Kari died. I cried and yelled and cried and yelled some more. I felt pain I didn’t know you could feel. Those pictures had a way of shocking my memory right back into perfect form. This is one nasty nightmare. Life was so great on 6/26/06. Kari and I had fun doing everything. Grocery shopping, working outside, hiking the property, painting… I miss our hour phone calls. I miss having someone to talk to. I loved Kari with everything I had.
Life is so hard! Life is so short. Life is so cruel. Life is so ugly. Life is so painful. Good thing we are only here for a little while. I can’t wait to meet God face to face. Lord Jesus continue to pour out your love and comfort on us. Thank you for catching every tear I cried today. Lord help me to get through this terrible pain. Thank you for today.
What a horrible day this day was. For the first time since the accident, I found Kari’s camera. Some of the pictures were of Kari that I had never seen before. It was so incredibly hard for me to deal with, that I remember being scared that the neighbors might come running when they heard my screams. I remember punching our chair, screaming, punching it some more, screaming, and then falling into the chair because I was no longer able to stand. The screaming went on and on for some time. How I hadn’t found the camera up until this point is beyond me but I know God was always in control. He would give me a break and then take me back to the brink of a total breakdown. Back and forth I went during the refining process. I was definitely back in the fire now.
What a day today has been! At home by myself. So hard. I looked at recent pictures today that were taken 9 days before Kari died. I cried and yelled and cried and yelled some more. I felt pain I didn’t know you could feel. Those pictures had a way of shocking my memory right back into perfect form. This is one nasty nightmare. Life was so great on 6/26/06. Kari and I had fun doing everything. Grocery shopping, working outside, hiking the property, painting… I miss our hour phone calls. I miss having someone to talk to. I loved Kari with everything I had.
Life is so hard! Life is so short. Life is so cruel. Life is so ugly. Life is so painful. Good thing we are only here for a little while. I can’t wait to meet God face to face. Lord Jesus continue to pour out your love and comfort on us. Thank you for catching every tear I cried today. Lord help me to get through this terrible pain. Thank you for today.
What a horrible day this day was. For the first time since the accident, I found Kari’s camera. Some of the pictures were of Kari that I had never seen before. It was so incredibly hard for me to deal with, that I remember being scared that the neighbors might come running when they heard my screams. I remember punching our chair, screaming, punching it some more, screaming, and then falling into the chair because I was no longer able to stand. The screaming went on and on for some time. How I hadn’t found the camera up until this point is beyond me but I know God was always in control. He would give me a break and then take me back to the brink of a total breakdown. Back and forth I went during the refining process. I was definitely back in the fire now.
August 4, 2006
Today has been an ok day. Went to Joel and Desiree’s for supper and stayed until midnight. Had a good time. Kari is with God now. That should be something to celebrate. God has something in special in store for me. I just don’t know what it is yet. I want to get started quickly though. We are only here for a little while.
I still see the accident but it’s not quite as tough now when I see it. Probably because I have seen it replay 2 billion times in my mind. You want to change things but you just can’t. This is so tough mentally. Sometimes I feel like Kari is beside me then I remember she is in heaven. Sometimes there is something I want to tell her then I remember she is with God.
My whole life has changed. Nothing with ever be the same. I won’t ever get over this event in my life. I will grieve from it, learn from it, deal with it, but this will never leave my mind. We all die someday but I wasn’t ready for Kari to die yet. God’s plan is often different than what we had in mind, but I trust God. I have faith. I believe there are great things for me ahead. I’m still alive so I must still have work to do here.
God direct me in the right direction. Forgive my sins. Bless my family. Thank you for today.
What can be harder than learning something new and thinking, “I can’t wait to tell my wife that,” then realizing that you will never get that opportunity? I still remember the painful sting when it would happen over and over again for several weeks. Oh how it made my heart ache.
A theme that I continued during my grief journal entries was that God had something special in store for me. I had no idea at the time what I was saying. You must remember, I wasn’t a bad guy before the accident, but I wasn’t exactly someone that served either. I was the bored guy in church that watched the clock. Call me crazy but I feel I was prophesying about my future ministry. Of course I am nothing without God and I feel God has just begun producing fruit from me, but if 2006 Jason could see where He is now, he would definitely say what he felt deep within him then has come true now. I went from a homebody consumed with my own life, to openly sharing my story with people all around the world to glorify God. God is so good!
Today has been an ok day. Went to Joel and Desiree’s for supper and stayed until midnight. Had a good time. Kari is with God now. That should be something to celebrate. God has something in special in store for me. I just don’t know what it is yet. I want to get started quickly though. We are only here for a little while.
I still see the accident but it’s not quite as tough now when I see it. Probably because I have seen it replay 2 billion times in my mind. You want to change things but you just can’t. This is so tough mentally. Sometimes I feel like Kari is beside me then I remember she is in heaven. Sometimes there is something I want to tell her then I remember she is with God.
My whole life has changed. Nothing with ever be the same. I won’t ever get over this event in my life. I will grieve from it, learn from it, deal with it, but this will never leave my mind. We all die someday but I wasn’t ready for Kari to die yet. God’s plan is often different than what we had in mind, but I trust God. I have faith. I believe there are great things for me ahead. I’m still alive so I must still have work to do here.
God direct me in the right direction. Forgive my sins. Bless my family. Thank you for today.
What can be harder than learning something new and thinking, “I can’t wait to tell my wife that,” then realizing that you will never get that opportunity? I still remember the painful sting when it would happen over and over again for several weeks. Oh how it made my heart ache.
A theme that I continued during my grief journal entries was that God had something special in store for me. I had no idea at the time what I was saying. You must remember, I wasn’t a bad guy before the accident, but I wasn’t exactly someone that served either. I was the bored guy in church that watched the clock. Call me crazy but I feel I was prophesying about my future ministry. Of course I am nothing without God and I feel God has just begun producing fruit from me, but if 2006 Jason could see where He is now, he would definitely say what he felt deep within him then has come true now. I went from a homebody consumed with my own life, to openly sharing my story with people all around the world to glorify God. God is so good!
August 5, 2006
I got Luke back today. I was so depressed. Luke and I went into town to get something to eat and then I took him to play at the park. He loved it but I felt so alone. Alone and depressed and sad, that pretty much sums up my life right now. My heart is broken. It hurts worse than I ever thought possible. Sometimes a memory pops into my mind and I just yell out. My mind still doesn’t want to believe it. I am still in shock. My life has to be completely rewritten but I still have all the old memories and I am still getting more memories back all the time. Every time I remember something the pain knocks me down again.
I remember our last phone conversation so vividly. She told me stuff she bought at the store on her last night on earth. I found the receipt to what she bought that night, today. I looked at the date and time: 06/26/06 9:50pm. In 14 hours Kari would be dead. Unless you have been here you don’t know what this feels like. It is indescribable. I cried all day today.
God comfort me and pull me through the valley. Thank you for today.
Amazing and so sad that a piece of paper could have such an impact on a grown man but that receipt brought me to my knees in tears. Kari had went to the store that night for me while I was working. I was about to remodel our bathroom on my upcoming days off from work so she was getting a shower surround, among other things. Sadly, that shower surround would never be put up and the bathroom would not be touched for a few years.
I got Luke back today. I was so depressed. Luke and I went into town to get something to eat and then I took him to play at the park. He loved it but I felt so alone. Alone and depressed and sad, that pretty much sums up my life right now. My heart is broken. It hurts worse than I ever thought possible. Sometimes a memory pops into my mind and I just yell out. My mind still doesn’t want to believe it. I am still in shock. My life has to be completely rewritten but I still have all the old memories and I am still getting more memories back all the time. Every time I remember something the pain knocks me down again.
I remember our last phone conversation so vividly. She told me stuff she bought at the store on her last night on earth. I found the receipt to what she bought that night, today. I looked at the date and time: 06/26/06 9:50pm. In 14 hours Kari would be dead. Unless you have been here you don’t know what this feels like. It is indescribable. I cried all day today.
God comfort me and pull me through the valley. Thank you for today.
Amazing and so sad that a piece of paper could have such an impact on a grown man but that receipt brought me to my knees in tears. Kari had went to the store that night for me while I was working. I was about to remodel our bathroom on my upcoming days off from work so she was getting a shower surround, among other things. Sadly, that shower surround would never be put up and the bathroom would not be touched for a few years.
August 6, 2006
My heart aches. I’m so alone. I wonder when things will get better. I know they are a long way off. And I know there will always be pain. I will always miss Kari. I have a hole where she once was. I was 21 when we first started dating. I have changed so much over those 11 years. That’s what makes this so hard! I was changed because of Kari. All my life revolves around Kari. My life sucks. No matter what happens the rest of my life the pain and emptiness will follow me. Maybe not so strong, maybe not quite so often, but it will be there until the day I die.
I need help to get through this. I can’t do it alone. This is too big, too hard, too painful. It’s all I can do to make it through each day. I feel pathetic. The devil is always trying to attack me. When he puts a thought into my mind I say aloud, “Satan get away from me.” Sometimes I feel like I am going insane. I cried today quite a bit. It hurts so bad. I can’t explain how bad it hurts. I am really being tested. I just want to scream. Sometimes you want to give up but I know that is not an option. Kari was why I got up each day. This doesn’t seem real. I am still in shock. I hate this so bad for the kids. My heart breaks for them. I’m so alone, so tired, so scared, so sad, so empty, so depressed. God help me.
I was deeply in love with Kari. Sadly she had become my God. She was my everything. When she died, I was like a scared little child. I was brokenhearted and alone. I had no way to receive affirmation, I had no one to regularly talk to, and I had no one to show me daily, unconditional love. God would continue to teach me through the pain that all the things I was missing in my life could and should be found in Him.
I experienced a great spiritual warfare during the valley. As I learned to walk with God, He continued to allow satan to test me. Some days I really felt like I was losing my mind, but through it all I continued coming back to God. And because of that, because I leaned on God and trusted Him, He took all my pain away. At the time, I knew without a doubt that I would feel pain and loss for the rest of my life but when God heals, He heals completely. I have no pain. No bad memories. No bad dreams. As much as I loved Kari, I don’t even miss her. It’s as if God has hit the pause button on all the negative emotion and pain and it can’t touch me. That is the mighty God I know!
My heart aches. I’m so alone. I wonder when things will get better. I know they are a long way off. And I know there will always be pain. I will always miss Kari. I have a hole where she once was. I was 21 when we first started dating. I have changed so much over those 11 years. That’s what makes this so hard! I was changed because of Kari. All my life revolves around Kari. My life sucks. No matter what happens the rest of my life the pain and emptiness will follow me. Maybe not so strong, maybe not quite so often, but it will be there until the day I die.
I need help to get through this. I can’t do it alone. This is too big, too hard, too painful. It’s all I can do to make it through each day. I feel pathetic. The devil is always trying to attack me. When he puts a thought into my mind I say aloud, “Satan get away from me.” Sometimes I feel like I am going insane. I cried today quite a bit. It hurts so bad. I can’t explain how bad it hurts. I am really being tested. I just want to scream. Sometimes you want to give up but I know that is not an option. Kari was why I got up each day. This doesn’t seem real. I am still in shock. I hate this so bad for the kids. My heart breaks for them. I’m so alone, so tired, so scared, so sad, so empty, so depressed. God help me.
I was deeply in love with Kari. Sadly she had become my God. She was my everything. When she died, I was like a scared little child. I was brokenhearted and alone. I had no way to receive affirmation, I had no one to regularly talk to, and I had no one to show me daily, unconditional love. God would continue to teach me through the pain that all the things I was missing in my life could and should be found in Him.
I experienced a great spiritual warfare during the valley. As I learned to walk with God, He continued to allow satan to test me. Some days I really felt like I was losing my mind, but through it all I continued coming back to God. And because of that, because I leaned on God and trusted Him, He took all my pain away. At the time, I knew without a doubt that I would feel pain and loss for the rest of my life but when God heals, He heals completely. I have no pain. No bad memories. No bad dreams. As much as I loved Kari, I don’t even miss her. It’s as if God has hit the pause button on all the negative emotion and pain and it can’t touch me. That is the mighty God I know!
August 7, 2006
Another lonely sad day. Luke said his first sentence today. I put his shirt on him and he said, “That looks nice.” Awesome…I wish Kari could have heard it. I miss her so much. My heart is broken. I didn’t know how great I had it before. I am such a mess. I am drained and depressed. No matter what I do or where I go, I can’t run from the pain…it follows me. I loved Kari so much. I don’t know what to do next.
Lord forgive my sins and change me for the good through all this. Thank you for today.
There is something extra painful about new milestones with your kids when the other parent is not around. When I heard his words that day I realized there were going to be a whole lot more days like that day and that realization hurt bad. Luke’s words were bittersweet for sure…but sadly probably more bitter than anything. I wanted to be happy for him but I was still swimming in the pain.
Another lonely sad day. Luke said his first sentence today. I put his shirt on him and he said, “That looks nice.” Awesome…I wish Kari could have heard it. I miss her so much. My heart is broken. I didn’t know how great I had it before. I am such a mess. I am drained and depressed. No matter what I do or where I go, I can’t run from the pain…it follows me. I loved Kari so much. I don’t know what to do next.
Lord forgive my sins and change me for the good through all this. Thank you for today.
There is something extra painful about new milestones with your kids when the other parent is not around. When I heard his words that day I realized there were going to be a whole lot more days like that day and that realization hurt bad. Luke’s words were bittersweet for sure…but sadly probably more bitter than anything. I wanted to be happy for him but I was still swimming in the pain.
August 8, 2006
I registered Lauren for school today. They were very helpful. I went out to eat with my friend Jason at Texas Roadhouse in Lafayette, one of Kari and I’s favorite restaurants. Right before Kari and I left Lafayette, we ate there. It just so happens that Jason and I were seated right next to the booth Kari and I sat in just weeks before. I remember Kari and I’s meal there so well.
I remember when my girlfriend broke up with me after high school…I thought that was bad. That was a walk in the park. My heart was broken then. This is entirely different. I miss Kari so bad. I will never forget our last kiss on June 26th before I went to work at 4:15pm. We looked into each other’s eyes and had a nice moment. Funny, we had been so busy working on the house it had been a while since we had a meaningful kiss. I was blessed with one the last time I saw her.
We talked a lot that night on the phone. There were no misunderstandings, no harsh words, and no disagreements. Kari wanted to buy a tv that night at the store and I told her I didn’t want to right now, and she was ok with that. Man I miss her. So much left to do. So many good times ahead. Two wonderful kids.
I’m so alone. So empty. So out of gas. So depressed. I hurt so bad. I am here but I go away like I am not.
God empty me and fill me up with you. God give me peace and hope. God thank you for today.
What can a friend do to help when you are hurting so bad? With the greatest of intentions my friend took me to my favorite restaurant. Little did he know the trip would send me on a roller coaster of emotions…and I hate roller coasters. I honestly don’t remember any of our conversation that night because I was too busy reliving Kari and I’s. The whole time I was eating I continued to glance back over at our seat. My stomach was in knots and my heart hurt so bad. I entered the restaurant with a bit of optimism but left like I had a weight across my shoulders.
As for our kiss, what a gift God gave me. To this day I still see it so vividly. It’s forever burned into my mind while the painful feelings and emotions that happened just hours and days later, have been forever taken away. Many people say you can’t prove God’s existence but I say my life, my experiences, and my journey through the valley prove without a doubt that He always has. I didn’t know Him before Kari died but He made himself known in the days that followed. Psalm 34:18 “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
I registered Lauren for school today. They were very helpful. I went out to eat with my friend Jason at Texas Roadhouse in Lafayette, one of Kari and I’s favorite restaurants. Right before Kari and I left Lafayette, we ate there. It just so happens that Jason and I were seated right next to the booth Kari and I sat in just weeks before. I remember Kari and I’s meal there so well.
I remember when my girlfriend broke up with me after high school…I thought that was bad. That was a walk in the park. My heart was broken then. This is entirely different. I miss Kari so bad. I will never forget our last kiss on June 26th before I went to work at 4:15pm. We looked into each other’s eyes and had a nice moment. Funny, we had been so busy working on the house it had been a while since we had a meaningful kiss. I was blessed with one the last time I saw her.
We talked a lot that night on the phone. There were no misunderstandings, no harsh words, and no disagreements. Kari wanted to buy a tv that night at the store and I told her I didn’t want to right now, and she was ok with that. Man I miss her. So much left to do. So many good times ahead. Two wonderful kids.
I’m so alone. So empty. So out of gas. So depressed. I hurt so bad. I am here but I go away like I am not.
God empty me and fill me up with you. God give me peace and hope. God thank you for today.
What can a friend do to help when you are hurting so bad? With the greatest of intentions my friend took me to my favorite restaurant. Little did he know the trip would send me on a roller coaster of emotions…and I hate roller coasters. I honestly don’t remember any of our conversation that night because I was too busy reliving Kari and I’s. The whole time I was eating I continued to glance back over at our seat. My stomach was in knots and my heart hurt so bad. I entered the restaurant with a bit of optimism but left like I had a weight across my shoulders.
As for our kiss, what a gift God gave me. To this day I still see it so vividly. It’s forever burned into my mind while the painful feelings and emotions that happened just hours and days later, have been forever taken away. Many people say you can’t prove God’s existence but I say my life, my experiences, and my journey through the valley prove without a doubt that He always has. I didn’t know Him before Kari died but He made himself known in the days that followed. Psalm 34:18 “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
August 9, 2006
My life is a living hell. I went to Jason’s house today. I left his house totally drained. I have to find someone to lean on, someone to talk to and cry with. I feel like I am going to implode if I don’t talk to someone soon. That’s how I feel right now. I can’t believe Kari is dead. I am so depressed, so brokenhearted. I am exhausted! I have nothing left. I’m running out of tears. How long can this go on and how painful can this get? How much can a person take? When does it get easier? I loved Kari more than words can describe. She and I became one. Now I am off balance because part of me is gone. I feel I can hardly stand up now. Every task I do is difficult. I feel border line insane. I need a break so bad but there are no breaks. Each day flows into the next like one long nightmare. I’ve often noticed at graveyards when one spouse dies the other often dies soon thereafter. I now understand how it could kill you.
I am ready to go home whenever God takes me. Until then Lord Jesus, use my hands for your work. Thank you for today.
Dying continued to be a constant thought in my mind while in the valley. For so long my life was defined by my marriage and relationship to Kari. She thought the world of me and I thought the world of her. Up until her death I had no relationship with God. Had I known Him more intimately in the days following her death, I would have realized the things that I was searching for where right there under my nose. Perhaps I was to spiritually immature to fully grasp what was available? Maybe I needed to continue to be shaped by God’s hammer? God can and will blind us so we see only what He wants us to see. I could see nothing but an emptiness that Kari used to fill and a peace from God that I had never known. Like a skilled craftsman, day by day God continued His work on me.
My life is a living hell. I went to Jason’s house today. I left his house totally drained. I have to find someone to lean on, someone to talk to and cry with. I feel like I am going to implode if I don’t talk to someone soon. That’s how I feel right now. I can’t believe Kari is dead. I am so depressed, so brokenhearted. I am exhausted! I have nothing left. I’m running out of tears. How long can this go on and how painful can this get? How much can a person take? When does it get easier? I loved Kari more than words can describe. She and I became one. Now I am off balance because part of me is gone. I feel I can hardly stand up now. Every task I do is difficult. I feel border line insane. I need a break so bad but there are no breaks. Each day flows into the next like one long nightmare. I’ve often noticed at graveyards when one spouse dies the other often dies soon thereafter. I now understand how it could kill you.
I am ready to go home whenever God takes me. Until then Lord Jesus, use my hands for your work. Thank you for today.
Dying continued to be a constant thought in my mind while in the valley. For so long my life was defined by my marriage and relationship to Kari. She thought the world of me and I thought the world of her. Up until her death I had no relationship with God. Had I known Him more intimately in the days following her death, I would have realized the things that I was searching for where right there under my nose. Perhaps I was to spiritually immature to fully grasp what was available? Maybe I needed to continue to be shaped by God’s hammer? God can and will blind us so we see only what He wants us to see. I could see nothing but an emptiness that Kari used to fill and a peace from God that I had never known. Like a skilled craftsman, day by day God continued His work on me.
August 10, 2006
Another day of the same of crap. More tears, more memories, more accident replays. I trust God. I don’t understand but I trust God. I took Lauren to her school today. She met her teacher and she loved it. She wanted to know if she could go there for second grade too. I told her yes but I am not sure about anything right now. I’m just trying to figure out how to live again. I’m so tired of being heartbroken. I’m so tired of being tired. How my soul burns for Kari. I scream out in anguish. The pain is so intense. How could something hurt any worse? I don’t think anything could. What is next for me? When does the intense pain end? 4 months? 6 months? A year? Could I ever remarry? Part of me says yes. Part of me says holy crap NO! I don’t think I would ever have to. I will take care of the kids and myself and go from there.
Lord Jesus, I can’t wait to see you in heaven someday. Whenever it is time take me home. Help me Jesus to raise my kids right. Thank you God for all you have done in my life. Thank you for today.
This string of days in August where probably my worst days. It seemed for days on end the pain was constant without ceasing. The shock was mostly over. The traumatic events were lessening. A lot of my support had moved on. It was time for me to live in my new reality and I wasn’t handling it too well. I often wondered if I should stay in a new town where I hardly knew anyone at a time when I was so alone. I guess it would have been easier in a way to stay with my parents 2 hours away. But God had me stay. The best thing we can do when God brings fire into our lives is to stand in the flames. Oh how it hurt.
Another day of the same of crap. More tears, more memories, more accident replays. I trust God. I don’t understand but I trust God. I took Lauren to her school today. She met her teacher and she loved it. She wanted to know if she could go there for second grade too. I told her yes but I am not sure about anything right now. I’m just trying to figure out how to live again. I’m so tired of being heartbroken. I’m so tired of being tired. How my soul burns for Kari. I scream out in anguish. The pain is so intense. How could something hurt any worse? I don’t think anything could. What is next for me? When does the intense pain end? 4 months? 6 months? A year? Could I ever remarry? Part of me says yes. Part of me says holy crap NO! I don’t think I would ever have to. I will take care of the kids and myself and go from there.
Lord Jesus, I can’t wait to see you in heaven someday. Whenever it is time take me home. Help me Jesus to raise my kids right. Thank you God for all you have done in my life. Thank you for today.
This string of days in August where probably my worst days. It seemed for days on end the pain was constant without ceasing. The shock was mostly over. The traumatic events were lessening. A lot of my support had moved on. It was time for me to live in my new reality and I wasn’t handling it too well. I often wondered if I should stay in a new town where I hardly knew anyone at a time when I was so alone. I guess it would have been easier in a way to stay with my parents 2 hours away. But God had me stay. The best thing we can do when God brings fire into our lives is to stand in the flames. Oh how it hurt.
August 11, 2006
I’m so alone. I feel like everyone is done, moved on, over it, but I’m still here all alone. I need someone to talk to really bad. Someone who cares. I went to Walmart tonight…just got back. Tears were welling in my eyes as I was thinking of memories of my best friend. You now you are all alone when you always want to drive through town instead of taking the short cut around. This was my second trip to Walmart today. It has been rough…maybe because it’s Friday and I haven’t heard from many people this week.
We were almost in a wreck today. A truck was headed straight for us and he swivered to miss and went right in front of us into a deep ravine, flipping his truck upside down. I was so full of shock when I saw his truck down there and no one was getting out. I was a mess for a few hours.
I hurt like hell. Some days are better than others but they all hurt like hell.
God give me hope and strength. God help me to be a good dad. God give me assurance the pain will ease some…someday. Thank you for today.
Words can’t describe the shock I felt when the speeding truck almost hit us head on that day. I was already walking around in a daze so when I looked down at his wrecked truck to see no response from the driver, my brain shut down. I just stood there frozen, with my feet cemented into the ground. I finally was able to walk onto the road to wave down oncoming traffic. The guy that stopped called the police and went down the hill to check on the driver. I couldn’t. I just stood there with visions of Kari’s accident scene playing in my mind. I must have had a blank look on my face as I watched from a distance. I couldn’t get close. I didn’t want to know if he was hurt. He turned out to be fine but the stress from his accident stayed with me the rest of the day. Because of the trauma, my shoes felt a little heavier and my painful memories stung a little more.
I’m so alone. I feel like everyone is done, moved on, over it, but I’m still here all alone. I need someone to talk to really bad. Someone who cares. I went to Walmart tonight…just got back. Tears were welling in my eyes as I was thinking of memories of my best friend. You now you are all alone when you always want to drive through town instead of taking the short cut around. This was my second trip to Walmart today. It has been rough…maybe because it’s Friday and I haven’t heard from many people this week.
We were almost in a wreck today. A truck was headed straight for us and he swivered to miss and went right in front of us into a deep ravine, flipping his truck upside down. I was so full of shock when I saw his truck down there and no one was getting out. I was a mess for a few hours.
I hurt like hell. Some days are better than others but they all hurt like hell.
God give me hope and strength. God help me to be a good dad. God give me assurance the pain will ease some…someday. Thank you for today.
Words can’t describe the shock I felt when the speeding truck almost hit us head on that day. I was already walking around in a daze so when I looked down at his wrecked truck to see no response from the driver, my brain shut down. I just stood there frozen, with my feet cemented into the ground. I finally was able to walk onto the road to wave down oncoming traffic. The guy that stopped called the police and went down the hill to check on the driver. I couldn’t. I just stood there with visions of Kari’s accident scene playing in my mind. I must have had a blank look on my face as I watched from a distance. I couldn’t get close. I didn’t want to know if he was hurt. He turned out to be fine but the stress from his accident stayed with me the rest of the day. Because of the trauma, my shoes felt a little heavier and my painful memories stung a little more.
August 12, 2006
Another day gone. We went fishing tonight with the fire department chaplain. It was fun I guess. I am so ready to get out of this rut. Ready to get back to work. Ready to make friends(sort of). I really need to find someone to talk to. I just don’t know where to look. I need someone that understands…that can cry with me. I have not found that person yet.
God please send me someone to talk to and help me. God give me hope and peace. God take care of Kari. God restore me. Thank you for today.
It was so nice for yet another person to take an interest in us. I really enjoy fishing so doing something other than crying was good. But it seemed I couldn’t find that one person that I could ‘let go’ with. Maybe I just didn’t know how to trust. Maybe God didn’t want me to have ‘that’ person. God knows just what we need to accomplish His will. I began to learn through these difficult days that I really didn’t need anyone. God was perfectly capable of sustaining me, delivering me, and saving me. Isn’t that the real problem with the world today? We seek to be comforted outside of God and we drive ourselves crazy trying to do it.
Another day gone. We went fishing tonight with the fire department chaplain. It was fun I guess. I am so ready to get out of this rut. Ready to get back to work. Ready to make friends(sort of). I really need to find someone to talk to. I just don’t know where to look. I need someone that understands…that can cry with me. I have not found that person yet.
God please send me someone to talk to and help me. God give me hope and peace. God take care of Kari. God restore me. Thank you for today.
It was so nice for yet another person to take an interest in us. I really enjoy fishing so doing something other than crying was good. But it seemed I couldn’t find that one person that I could ‘let go’ with. Maybe I just didn’t know how to trust. Maybe God didn’t want me to have ‘that’ person. God knows just what we need to accomplish His will. I began to learn through these difficult days that I really didn’t need anyone. God was perfectly capable of sustaining me, delivering me, and saving me. Isn’t that the real problem with the world today? We seek to be comforted outside of God and we drive ourselves crazy trying to do it.
August 13, 2006
I don’t know what else to write. I still feel all the same things. Today has been ok. We went fishing again. Lauren and Luke seem like they are doing ok. That is good.
My whole future has been turned upside down. I now have a somewhat empty slate in which to write my life story. I know what this story will be about, it will be about Jesus Christ…I just don’t know the details. My faith is strong! Sorry Mr. devil, your plan backfired. Death hurts but also strengthens.
I am still so alone. I need to make some single friends. Couple friends are hard to be around for obvious reasons. I’ve never felt more need for friendships in all my life.
God send me some special friends. Send help for me; I need it. God thank you for today.
I enjoyed the break from grieving so much the day before I couldn’t help but want to try fishing again. It was good therapy. The kids seemed to really enjoy it so that made wanting to go that much easier. The people that owned the pond were really nice so that was another reason to go. I felt a great need to be social and be with others.
At this point in my journey I was all in. Outside of my grief, God was pretty much all I thought about. For the first time in my life I had found real purpose. I passionately wanted to bring glory to God. I wasn’t sure what that would look like or how I would do it, but I knew I had to. During this time God was moving me to write a book to share with other hurting people.
I don’t know what else to write. I still feel all the same things. Today has been ok. We went fishing again. Lauren and Luke seem like they are doing ok. That is good.
My whole future has been turned upside down. I now have a somewhat empty slate in which to write my life story. I know what this story will be about, it will be about Jesus Christ…I just don’t know the details. My faith is strong! Sorry Mr. devil, your plan backfired. Death hurts but also strengthens.
I am still so alone. I need to make some single friends. Couple friends are hard to be around for obvious reasons. I’ve never felt more need for friendships in all my life.
God send me some special friends. Send help for me; I need it. God thank you for today.
I enjoyed the break from grieving so much the day before I couldn’t help but want to try fishing again. It was good therapy. The kids seemed to really enjoy it so that made wanting to go that much easier. The people that owned the pond were really nice so that was another reason to go. I felt a great need to be social and be with others.
At this point in my journey I was all in. Outside of my grief, God was pretty much all I thought about. For the first time in my life I had found real purpose. I passionately wanted to bring glory to God. I wasn’t sure what that would look like or how I would do it, but I knew I had to. During this time God was moving me to write a book to share with other hurting people.
August 14, 2006
We went to meet the teacher night tonight. I talked to Lauren’s teacher and told her of Kari’s death. Man did today hurt like hell. I’ve cried a lot. My life sucks. Nothing is fun anymore. I don’t know how I could have loved any harder, any stronger, and more at all and now I’m left with an aching, broken, destroyed heart. My life really sucks. I keep shaking my head in disbelief. How could anything in life be harder?
I wrote Sally today in an email asking for help. I really enjoyed (cried) her book. I hope she can help me. I need help so bad. I need someone that can feel my pain. It’s so hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. I just see darkness. Time is going so fast but slow at the same time. I think it has been 48 days since Kari’s death but the pain is so intense. I can’t find anything to do that we didn’t do together. Nothing! Tomorrow is Lauren’s first day of all day school and Kari doesn’t get to see it. How this hurts so bad! I just keep crying…
Lord God give me strength and hope. Thank you for today.
When I talked to Lauren’s teacher I could tell that she knew God. I saw compassion in her eyes and it was hard for me to hold back my tears. I had been searching for true compassion for so long when I felt it, it was hard not to crumble.
Sally was a counselor that Kari’s mom had met. She had given her the book she wrote about the death of her husband years before. It just so happens that her husband was from my hometown. I felt a connection and identified with what she went through. I was desperately hoping she could help me in some way. Even though she didn’t really supply what I was asking God for, she was definitely answered prayer. Her story offered me hope and her story further inspired me to share my own story. God had already put it on my heart to write a book but reading her book reaffirmed what I already felt. I even emailed Sally to tell her I was going to write a book but I never heard back. I honestly felt a little abandoned but God did not want me to lean on her. He was still teaching me He was all I needed.
We went to meet the teacher night tonight. I talked to Lauren’s teacher and told her of Kari’s death. Man did today hurt like hell. I’ve cried a lot. My life sucks. Nothing is fun anymore. I don’t know how I could have loved any harder, any stronger, and more at all and now I’m left with an aching, broken, destroyed heart. My life really sucks. I keep shaking my head in disbelief. How could anything in life be harder?
I wrote Sally today in an email asking for help. I really enjoyed (cried) her book. I hope she can help me. I need help so bad. I need someone that can feel my pain. It’s so hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. I just see darkness. Time is going so fast but slow at the same time. I think it has been 48 days since Kari’s death but the pain is so intense. I can’t find anything to do that we didn’t do together. Nothing! Tomorrow is Lauren’s first day of all day school and Kari doesn’t get to see it. How this hurts so bad! I just keep crying…
Lord God give me strength and hope. Thank you for today.
When I talked to Lauren’s teacher I could tell that she knew God. I saw compassion in her eyes and it was hard for me to hold back my tears. I had been searching for true compassion for so long when I felt it, it was hard not to crumble.
Sally was a counselor that Kari’s mom had met. She had given her the book she wrote about the death of her husband years before. It just so happens that her husband was from my hometown. I felt a connection and identified with what she went through. I was desperately hoping she could help me in some way. Even though she didn’t really supply what I was asking God for, she was definitely answered prayer. Her story offered me hope and her story further inspired me to share my own story. God had already put it on my heart to write a book but reading her book reaffirmed what I already felt. I even emailed Sally to tell her I was going to write a book but I never heard back. I honestly felt a little abandoned but God did not want me to lean on her. He was still teaching me He was all I needed.
August 15, 2006
Another day of hell on earth! Lauren’s first day of first grade. Kari was so looking forward to this day. But today I picked out Lauren’s clothes and did her hair. I took her picture and loaded her on the school bus…a bus other than Kari’s. What a day of hell!
I talked to Desiree tonight. That was refreshing.
Luke prayed tonight for the first time. While Lauren and I prayed, Luke folded his hands and started making his own sounds…priceless!
I am so tired of crying. I’m so alone. My heart aches. My life sucks. As long as the kids are good I will just keeping going forward.
I shot my bow today…I guess that is good. I took 3 shots and all were good.
God send me help. God give me strength and hope. God thank you for today.
Without a doubt Lauren’s first day of school was one of my hardest days. It was another one of those shocking reality moments when I saw my new life up close. How was I going to fix a little girls hair? I felt I wasn’t a very good dad. How on earth was I going to be a mom too? I remember feeling nauseous all morning long.
Kari had driven a school bus for several years. Lauren would sometimes ride the bus home with her mom when she was in afternoon kindergarten. Kari was looking forward to driving her to school every day in our new hometown. When I loaded her onto a bus with a stranger driving that morning, I was crushed! I will never forget that long walk back up the drive toward home after the bus drove away. I then walked into our dark house with just Luke and me there. I felt so alone. I just cried.
Another day of hell on earth! Lauren’s first day of first grade. Kari was so looking forward to this day. But today I picked out Lauren’s clothes and did her hair. I took her picture and loaded her on the school bus…a bus other than Kari’s. What a day of hell!
I talked to Desiree tonight. That was refreshing.
Luke prayed tonight for the first time. While Lauren and I prayed, Luke folded his hands and started making his own sounds…priceless!
I am so tired of crying. I’m so alone. My heart aches. My life sucks. As long as the kids are good I will just keeping going forward.
I shot my bow today…I guess that is good. I took 3 shots and all were good.
God send me help. God give me strength and hope. God thank you for today.
Without a doubt Lauren’s first day of school was one of my hardest days. It was another one of those shocking reality moments when I saw my new life up close. How was I going to fix a little girls hair? I felt I wasn’t a very good dad. How on earth was I going to be a mom too? I remember feeling nauseous all morning long.
Kari had driven a school bus for several years. Lauren would sometimes ride the bus home with her mom when she was in afternoon kindergarten. Kari was looking forward to driving her to school every day in our new hometown. When I loaded her onto a bus with a stranger driving that morning, I was crushed! I will never forget that long walk back up the drive toward home after the bus drove away. I then walked into our dark house with just Luke and me there. I felt so alone. I just cried.
August 16, 2006
Lauren’s second day of school. A little easier than yesterday but still another day of total hell. I just keep seeing what I saw that day and then all kinds of memories of Kari playing through my mind and it is enough to kill me. I hope and pray I will be functional again someday. Sometimes I just feel insane. I feel so scared and beaten. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be right again. Sometimes my mind doesn’t believe Kari is with God. I have to force myself to believe it and the pain rushes over me. Then I see the accident scene again, and again.
This is so dang hard. The difficulty has nothing to do with the cooking and cleaning…just my broken heart, broken dreams. I don’t know where God will lead me next but I know I am ready to serve.
God give me hope and shimmer of happiness. God give me a rest from this pain. God send someone to help me. God thank you for today.
With Lauren being at school all day, I had a lot more quiet time to myself and that quiet time was very difficult. What do we do when we are doing nothing? We think. Not only would I see the accident scene like I found it, I would visualize the accident occurring again and again and I would try to think what Kari must have thought. I would see it like a movie playing on a loop. It was a brutal, brutal time in my mind.
Lauren’s second day of school. A little easier than yesterday but still another day of total hell. I just keep seeing what I saw that day and then all kinds of memories of Kari playing through my mind and it is enough to kill me. I hope and pray I will be functional again someday. Sometimes I just feel insane. I feel so scared and beaten. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be right again. Sometimes my mind doesn’t believe Kari is with God. I have to force myself to believe it and the pain rushes over me. Then I see the accident scene again, and again.
This is so dang hard. The difficulty has nothing to do with the cooking and cleaning…just my broken heart, broken dreams. I don’t know where God will lead me next but I know I am ready to serve.
God give me hope and shimmer of happiness. God give me a rest from this pain. God send someone to help me. God thank you for today.
With Lauren being at school all day, I had a lot more quiet time to myself and that quiet time was very difficult. What do we do when we are doing nothing? We think. Not only would I see the accident scene like I found it, I would visualize the accident occurring again and again and I would try to think what Kari must have thought. I would see it like a movie playing on a loop. It was a brutal, brutal time in my mind.
August 17, 2006
I called the guy that interviewed me for my job today. He hinted that I got it and I cried like a baby. Nine years I had been working on night shift. Kari wanted me on day shift so bad. Now it looks like I am going. It hurts so bad, so deep down. I’m amazed I have not died from a broken heart.
Lauren seems like she is doing well. I’m just trying to establish a routine for the kids although it will change some when I go back to work. One of favorite times is prayer time. We all sit in a circle and pray and of course Luke says his own prayer. Kids are amazing!
Still looking for someone to lean on. I am just glad I have God or who knows where I would be. I have drawn close to Him and it feels good. After all this He is going to use me in amazing ways. I still believe even though I can’t see.
God give me peace and hope. Restore me. Change me for your kingdom. Thank you God for today.
An opening at my work had come available just a few weeks before Kari’s death. We had high hopes that I would be able to get it and transfer to Indianapolis. That would mean day shift for the first time in our marriage. Kari hated to spend her evenings at home by herself. We were so excited for this opportunity. When that call came in that I had received the position, it was answered prayer but it was so bittersweet. Sure, I needed to be on days to make it easier to care for my kids but how could I be excited when there was no one to be excited with? The fun things in life are never much fun if there is no one to share them with. That call was one of those memories that hurt so bad I remember exactly where I was when the phone rang.
I called the guy that interviewed me for my job today. He hinted that I got it and I cried like a baby. Nine years I had been working on night shift. Kari wanted me on day shift so bad. Now it looks like I am going. It hurts so bad, so deep down. I’m amazed I have not died from a broken heart.
Lauren seems like she is doing well. I’m just trying to establish a routine for the kids although it will change some when I go back to work. One of favorite times is prayer time. We all sit in a circle and pray and of course Luke says his own prayer. Kids are amazing!
Still looking for someone to lean on. I am just glad I have God or who knows where I would be. I have drawn close to Him and it feels good. After all this He is going to use me in amazing ways. I still believe even though I can’t see.
God give me peace and hope. Restore me. Change me for your kingdom. Thank you God for today.
An opening at my work had come available just a few weeks before Kari’s death. We had high hopes that I would be able to get it and transfer to Indianapolis. That would mean day shift for the first time in our marriage. Kari hated to spend her evenings at home by herself. We were so excited for this opportunity. When that call came in that I had received the position, it was answered prayer but it was so bittersweet. Sure, I needed to be on days to make it easier to care for my kids but how could I be excited when there was no one to be excited with? The fun things in life are never much fun if there is no one to share them with. That call was one of those memories that hurt so bad I remember exactly where I was when the phone rang.
August 18, 2006
I officially got my job today and I start on September 5th. Lots of pain today. Kari would have been so excited. She wanted me to get this job so bad. It hurts so bad.
Lauren, Luke, and I went to Marvins (restaurant) before the football game tonight. Everything was ok until a blonde haired lady sat down in front of us and Luke kept pointing and saying mom. That just about killed me. This is so dang hard! When I go around town with the kids I feel like everyone thinks I am divorced and this is my week. Sorry, that is not me.
The football game was ok. It wasn’t too hard considering Kari and I always went to football games together but Kari and I had never been to a football game in our new town. That made it easier.
Sometimes it still doesn’t seem real. We did so much together. I have to retrain my brain and that takes time.
God give us a good weekend. God change me for your glory. God I am not worthy of all you have given me. God thank you for today.
With the job news and Marvins, I took 2 knives through the heart on this day. The pain you feel when your almost 2 year old thinks he sees his mom that he hasn’t seen in weeks. There are no words I can use that would describe what I felt. My heart had already endured so much. I was living the old saying, when it rains it pours. I often wondered how I was still able to cry. I sometimes wondered if I would ever run out of tears.
I officially got my job today and I start on September 5th. Lots of pain today. Kari would have been so excited. She wanted me to get this job so bad. It hurts so bad.
Lauren, Luke, and I went to Marvins (restaurant) before the football game tonight. Everything was ok until a blonde haired lady sat down in front of us and Luke kept pointing and saying mom. That just about killed me. This is so dang hard! When I go around town with the kids I feel like everyone thinks I am divorced and this is my week. Sorry, that is not me.
The football game was ok. It wasn’t too hard considering Kari and I always went to football games together but Kari and I had never been to a football game in our new town. That made it easier.
Sometimes it still doesn’t seem real. We did so much together. I have to retrain my brain and that takes time.
God give us a good weekend. God change me for your glory. God I am not worthy of all you have given me. God thank you for today.
With the job news and Marvins, I took 2 knives through the heart on this day. The pain you feel when your almost 2 year old thinks he sees his mom that he hasn’t seen in weeks. There are no words I can use that would describe what I felt. My heart had already endured so much. I was living the old saying, when it rains it pours. I often wondered how I was still able to cry. I sometimes wondered if I would ever run out of tears.
August 19, 2006
Hung out with the kids today until Luke woke from his nap then went out to Terre Haute Sam’s Club. When we got back I played outside with the kids until bed time. I didn’t get a chance to cry much today because I was so busy. That’s ok though. A break from crying is good. We are just here for a little while. I’m starting to get excited about my job. I think it will be good for me. Perhaps a stepping stone for bigger and better things.
I’m still in shock. It is still hard for me to believe…that I will never see Kari again(until heaven). I try to think back to my last memories of her and it gets so hard to remember and it hurts so dang bad. I just hold onto God’s Word and His promise. If only I could see her dancing in heaven but I can’t. We have to go on faith, and faith alone.
Luke is changing more every day. He is so funny. Sometimes I wonder if Kari can see him but I don’t think so. But I also think when Luke gets to heaven she will know all. Awesome!
God continue to give me wisdom and strength. Thank you for my job and my family. God thank you for today.
It’s amazing to me that I can still clearly see these days that I wrote about. I remember this day quite well even though nothing major happened. I guess when you are going through something that traumatic, your brain is recording everything. That’s another reason why I think it is so amazing that I no longer have any pain from all these events. I remember so much, so clearly yet I have total peace about it all. God was definitely listening when I prayed.
Hung out with the kids today until Luke woke from his nap then went out to Terre Haute Sam’s Club. When we got back I played outside with the kids until bed time. I didn’t get a chance to cry much today because I was so busy. That’s ok though. A break from crying is good. We are just here for a little while. I’m starting to get excited about my job. I think it will be good for me. Perhaps a stepping stone for bigger and better things.
I’m still in shock. It is still hard for me to believe…that I will never see Kari again(until heaven). I try to think back to my last memories of her and it gets so hard to remember and it hurts so dang bad. I just hold onto God’s Word and His promise. If only I could see her dancing in heaven but I can’t. We have to go on faith, and faith alone.
Luke is changing more every day. He is so funny. Sometimes I wonder if Kari can see him but I don’t think so. But I also think when Luke gets to heaven she will know all. Awesome!
God continue to give me wisdom and strength. Thank you for my job and my family. God thank you for today.
It’s amazing to me that I can still clearly see these days that I wrote about. I remember this day quite well even though nothing major happened. I guess when you are going through something that traumatic, your brain is recording everything. That’s another reason why I think it is so amazing that I no longer have any pain from all these events. I remember so much, so clearly yet I have total peace about it all. God was definitely listening when I prayed.
August 20, 2006
Today’s big event…I found pictures from this past Easter. How this hurts! After that 20 hours in labor for Lauren that started at 10pm, Kari and I were the closest of friends in so many ways. I was so lucky to have those years with her. She changed me so much. She always said, “You hate this about me don’t you,” referring to her tom boyish ways. She would mow the lawn, fix the weed eater, and ride fast on the four wheeler. I honestly never did like that about her and now look what it got her.
As the days go by I feel a lot of anger growing inside of me. I don’t like it. I am so sick of the pain and so emotionally tired, I think the anger just grows from the circumstances. Sometimes I am even mad at Kari.
There is nowhere to run. I just have to face what I have head on.
God help me control my sinful nature. God give me hope that my life can be good again. God help me to raise the kids to love you. God thank you for today.
How could I be mad at the one I was so brokenhearted over? That is exactly where I found myself. I will be honest, my brain was a mess. The anger that I was feeling towards Kari was really scaring me because I knew how much I loved her. I felt it was coming from somewhere outside of me.
Finding those pictures that day brought back more memories and with them more pain. I had not seen the pictures yet because they were taken just before the move. Looking at them felt like I was bringing back Kari for a brief moment in time. In the moment, it felt counterproductive to my healing but looking back today, I am glad I found them. Like the Biblical story of Jonah, running from what you should do only makes things harder and just delays the inevitable. The best path to the other side of grief is straight through the muck.
Today’s big event…I found pictures from this past Easter. How this hurts! After that 20 hours in labor for Lauren that started at 10pm, Kari and I were the closest of friends in so many ways. I was so lucky to have those years with her. She changed me so much. She always said, “You hate this about me don’t you,” referring to her tom boyish ways. She would mow the lawn, fix the weed eater, and ride fast on the four wheeler. I honestly never did like that about her and now look what it got her.
As the days go by I feel a lot of anger growing inside of me. I don’t like it. I am so sick of the pain and so emotionally tired, I think the anger just grows from the circumstances. Sometimes I am even mad at Kari.
There is nowhere to run. I just have to face what I have head on.
God help me control my sinful nature. God give me hope that my life can be good again. God help me to raise the kids to love you. God thank you for today.
How could I be mad at the one I was so brokenhearted over? That is exactly where I found myself. I will be honest, my brain was a mess. The anger that I was feeling towards Kari was really scaring me because I knew how much I loved her. I felt it was coming from somewhere outside of me.
Finding those pictures that day brought back more memories and with them more pain. I had not seen the pictures yet because they were taken just before the move. Looking at them felt like I was bringing back Kari for a brief moment in time. In the moment, it felt counterproductive to my healing but looking back today, I am glad I found them. Like the Biblical story of Jonah, running from what you should do only makes things harder and just delays the inevitable. The best path to the other side of grief is straight through the muck.
Augusts 21, 2006
I talked to Desiree today. It seemed good at the time but when I got off the phone I cried. I went to check out a babysitter for Luke. She seemed ok and the location is good. I cried on the way to her house.
I am at a more peaceful stage now. I know Kari is in heaven. That is comforting. Lauren and Luke seem to be doing really good and that’s what really matters. I feel I have rounded a corner. God has been working on me. I feel I have a future. The pain is still so intense but I know I will live again. God continues to give me hope.
I went into the woods to work on a treestand today. It feels good to be doing something again.
God prepare me for heaven. God restore me. God help me to raise my kids to love you with all they have. God thank you for today.
August 21 was a day of 2 extremes. I had intense pain and I had an exciting new hope. Finding a babysitter that would take Luke at 5:45am and that was on my way to work was definitely answered prayer. I would often wake her up with my knock on their front door on those early mornings. What a blessing she was to me. It was also so good to be back into the woods doing something that I loved. Maybe it was more about going through the motions at this point, but it was just comforting to be doing something other than crying and replaying the traumatic event in my mind.
I talked to Desiree today. It seemed good at the time but when I got off the phone I cried. I went to check out a babysitter for Luke. She seemed ok and the location is good. I cried on the way to her house.
I am at a more peaceful stage now. I know Kari is in heaven. That is comforting. Lauren and Luke seem to be doing really good and that’s what really matters. I feel I have rounded a corner. God has been working on me. I feel I have a future. The pain is still so intense but I know I will live again. God continues to give me hope.
I went into the woods to work on a treestand today. It feels good to be doing something again.
God prepare me for heaven. God restore me. God help me to raise my kids to love you with all they have. God thank you for today.
August 21 was a day of 2 extremes. I had intense pain and I had an exciting new hope. Finding a babysitter that would take Luke at 5:45am and that was on my way to work was definitely answered prayer. I would often wake her up with my knock on their front door on those early mornings. What a blessing she was to me. It was also so good to be back into the woods doing something that I loved. Maybe it was more about going through the motions at this point, but it was just comforting to be doing something other than crying and replaying the traumatic event in my mind.
August 22, 2006
Another day. The kids and I went to a volleyball game and someone came up to me and told me about a nanny. I don’t know if I can afford one but wouldn’t that be great! Joel called tonight and that was good. Someone from church brought some frozen meals over. I worked up in the woods a little more and that is a good thing. I feel I have so much stuff to do before I start my new job.
Considering, I think we are doing ok. I made the Easter picture our desktop background on our computer and I cried. Kari was such a ball of energy, a firecracker. Her mind was always going…thinking outside the box. She was better at that than me. She was always coming up with crazy ideas. Sometimes they worked. Sometimes they were just crazy. I miss her so much. I miss her smile, her humor, and her habits. If I was going to work she would say, “What should I do tonight or what should we eat?” She loved life and loved God. She loved finding good deals and she found one the night before she went to heaven. She loved keeping her house and her kids just right. Always neat and clean. She loved working outside. She loved watching tv in bed. She felt sorry for old people. She wanted me to work day shift our whole marriage. She had a lot of confidence in me. She loved how I helped her with the housework and the kids. She loved those kids and wanted the best for them in life. Just writing these memories is making me cry…
God continue to work in me. God give me hope and peace. God thank you for today.
For the first time since the accident I was able to just remember who Kari was. For so long, my full memory had been suppressed by God. On this day, I just remembered. If there is one thing I remember so clearly to this day it is this, Kari was loyal. Just days before her accident she was talking to her cousin on her cell phone when she said, “I don’t know what I would do if anything ever happened to Jason.” Her life revolved around her God, her husband, and her kids. So much of what I learned about having a relationship with God was learned by watching her. She was the real deal.
Another day. The kids and I went to a volleyball game and someone came up to me and told me about a nanny. I don’t know if I can afford one but wouldn’t that be great! Joel called tonight and that was good. Someone from church brought some frozen meals over. I worked up in the woods a little more and that is a good thing. I feel I have so much stuff to do before I start my new job.
Considering, I think we are doing ok. I made the Easter picture our desktop background on our computer and I cried. Kari was such a ball of energy, a firecracker. Her mind was always going…thinking outside the box. She was better at that than me. She was always coming up with crazy ideas. Sometimes they worked. Sometimes they were just crazy. I miss her so much. I miss her smile, her humor, and her habits. If I was going to work she would say, “What should I do tonight or what should we eat?” She loved life and loved God. She loved finding good deals and she found one the night before she went to heaven. She loved keeping her house and her kids just right. Always neat and clean. She loved working outside. She loved watching tv in bed. She felt sorry for old people. She wanted me to work day shift our whole marriage. She had a lot of confidence in me. She loved how I helped her with the housework and the kids. She loved those kids and wanted the best for them in life. Just writing these memories is making me cry…
God continue to work in me. God give me hope and peace. God thank you for today.
For the first time since the accident I was able to just remember who Kari was. For so long, my full memory had been suppressed by God. On this day, I just remembered. If there is one thing I remember so clearly to this day it is this, Kari was loyal. Just days before her accident she was talking to her cousin on her cell phone when she said, “I don’t know what I would do if anything ever happened to Jason.” Her life revolved around her God, her husband, and her kids. So much of what I learned about having a relationship with God was learned by watching her. She was the real deal.
August 23, 2006
I got Kari’s pictures printed out today and bought Lauren a picture album for them. That hurt.
Sometimes I feel ok and I can have a little fun. But out of nowhere a memory comes up and it brings me right back to my knees. Sometimes I think of the mountain I have to climb and I struggle. Sometimes I think of the awesome person I lost and that kills me. But I know God gained an awesome person in heaven. I can’t wait for my ticket home if God will have me.
I miss Kari ordering Mexican pizza or a chicken burrito supreme from Taco Bell. I miss our trips to Sams Club. I miss watching HGTV with her. We had so many things we wanted to do here. We were just getting started. Man this hurts. How could something be harder?
God help me. God restore me. God thank you for today.
When I focused on that mountain it seemed so tall and insurmountable. When I focused on God He always gave me hope and peace. We all have mountains in our life. Your mountain right now may not be so traumatic but that doesn’t make it any less of a mountain. If you focus on your pain or problem you will struggle. If you focus on God, He will help you reach the top.
I got Kari’s pictures printed out today and bought Lauren a picture album for them. That hurt.
Sometimes I feel ok and I can have a little fun. But out of nowhere a memory comes up and it brings me right back to my knees. Sometimes I think of the mountain I have to climb and I struggle. Sometimes I think of the awesome person I lost and that kills me. But I know God gained an awesome person in heaven. I can’t wait for my ticket home if God will have me.
I miss Kari ordering Mexican pizza or a chicken burrito supreme from Taco Bell. I miss our trips to Sams Club. I miss watching HGTV with her. We had so many things we wanted to do here. We were just getting started. Man this hurts. How could something be harder?
God help me. God restore me. God thank you for today.
When I focused on that mountain it seemed so tall and insurmountable. When I focused on God He always gave me hope and peace. We all have mountains in our life. Your mountain right now may not be so traumatic but that doesn’t make it any less of a mountain. If you focus on your pain or problem you will struggle. If you focus on God, He will help you reach the top.
August 24, 2006
Had a rough day today. What else is new? Never left the house. That couldn’t have helped any. I just keep reliving all these memories and I am by myself and it just flat out hurts. I hate this! It makes me very angry. I’ll use one of Kari’s sayings here, “I didn’t sign up for this!” Just trying to keep up with Laruen’s school is wearing me out. I can’t imagine when I start working. But I know the Lord will see me through. I know the Lord blesses those who mourn. I know Jesus wept. I know Kari is in heaven. I know she is not missing us. I know she could care less about what she didn’t get to do or see on earth. There is no pain or tears in heaven for the Lord takes that away from us. Kari is happier than she has ever been in her life. Kari…keep dancing and praising.
God give me hope and strength. God forgive my sins. Thank you for today Lord.
I noticed during my grief that I really really desired being around people. When I wasn’t around other people the pain was much worse. I also realized that being a lone created a greater dependence on God and when I depended on Him more, the greater my strength in Him became. Sometimes we think it’s always best to be around other Christians and it seems there are always more and more church activities to make this so. But God often uses times of isolation to teach and strengthen us.
Had a rough day today. What else is new? Never left the house. That couldn’t have helped any. I just keep reliving all these memories and I am by myself and it just flat out hurts. I hate this! It makes me very angry. I’ll use one of Kari’s sayings here, “I didn’t sign up for this!” Just trying to keep up with Laruen’s school is wearing me out. I can’t imagine when I start working. But I know the Lord will see me through. I know the Lord blesses those who mourn. I know Jesus wept. I know Kari is in heaven. I know she is not missing us. I know she could care less about what she didn’t get to do or see on earth. There is no pain or tears in heaven for the Lord takes that away from us. Kari is happier than she has ever been in her life. Kari…keep dancing and praising.
God give me hope and strength. God forgive my sins. Thank you for today Lord.
I noticed during my grief that I really really desired being around people. When I wasn’t around other people the pain was much worse. I also realized that being a lone created a greater dependence on God and when I depended on Him more, the greater my strength in Him became. Sometimes we think it’s always best to be around other Christians and it seems there are always more and more church activities to make this so. But God often uses times of isolation to teach and strengthen us.
August 25, 2006
Went to Lauren’s picnic tonight at school. A girl I had met previously was there…she was awfully friendly. Lauren has a lot of fun. My mom and my sister came to get the kids for the weekend. I have a weekend to myself. I need some time to cry. Today has been ok. I worked outside for a while and watched a hunting video. It feels good to be able to function again. God is with me. He is my strength. I love reading His Word. I enjoy just talking to Him. I am so thankful for my faith in Jesus Christ. It’s time to tell others of what He has done in my life.
God I pray for a good weekend. I pray that you consume my life. Lord I pray I remember always what is truly important. God thank you for today.
Just shy of 2 months after the death of my wife I was ready to tell people about what God had done in my life. What was I ready to tell? What had He done for me? We often think of people being full of joy and happiness when they find God but I found God during the storm. I hadn’t really experienced joy but I knew I had found something so much greater than myself. The hope and optimism that sprang up from deep within me was something that I held tightly to. By human standards, I didn’t really have anything to be hopeful or thankful for. But by God’s standards, my life had only just begun.
Went to Lauren’s picnic tonight at school. A girl I had met previously was there…she was awfully friendly. Lauren has a lot of fun. My mom and my sister came to get the kids for the weekend. I have a weekend to myself. I need some time to cry. Today has been ok. I worked outside for a while and watched a hunting video. It feels good to be able to function again. God is with me. He is my strength. I love reading His Word. I enjoy just talking to Him. I am so thankful for my faith in Jesus Christ. It’s time to tell others of what He has done in my life.
God I pray for a good weekend. I pray that you consume my life. Lord I pray I remember always what is truly important. God thank you for today.
Just shy of 2 months after the death of my wife I was ready to tell people about what God had done in my life. What was I ready to tell? What had He done for me? We often think of people being full of joy and happiness when they find God but I found God during the storm. I hadn’t really experienced joy but I knew I had found something so much greater than myself. The hope and optimism that sprang up from deep within me was something that I held tightly to. By human standards, I didn’t really have anything to be hopeful or thankful for. But by God’s standards, my life had only just begun.
August 26, 2006
I stayed busy today while the kids were gone. I saw a 6 point buck in the woods and found a dead fawn in the back field. Four times today I thought, “I can’t wait to tell Kari that,” then thought, “No Jason you can’t!”
Someone crashed into the guardrail along our fence tonight on knocked on the door at 10:30pm.
I stayed fairly upbeat today. I know Kari is in another place…a much better place and now my life changes. That’s just the way it is. God will get me through. I also hung a treestand today and shot my bow.
I still miss Kari with all my heart but it’s not as constant as it was. God has given me some peace. I thank God for all He has done in my life.
I still don’t know about remarriage. I don’t know where God will lead me. I do know I will be completely healed before I would even consider dating someone and that is a long ways off. Too much other important stuff to worry about, like my awesome kids.
God I’m so thankful for all you give us. We have so much and deserve so little. God give me wisdom to make good choices and help me to avoid sinful temptations. Thank you for today.
The possibility of being completely healed in another month’s time seemed completely unfathomable to me when I wrote those words but that is exactly what happened. I read all the books and they all said to give yourself a solid year before making any big decisions. But if I have learned anything in the time since walking through the valley it is that man’s wisdom is worthless. God can do anything! Just today after praying God led me to 2 different verses to answer my prayer I had just prayed. I ‘randomly’ opened my Bible to one and then to the other. Luke 1:37 “For nothing will be impossible with God.” Mark 10:27 “Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God." What an amazing God I serve!
I stayed busy today while the kids were gone. I saw a 6 point buck in the woods and found a dead fawn in the back field. Four times today I thought, “I can’t wait to tell Kari that,” then thought, “No Jason you can’t!”
Someone crashed into the guardrail along our fence tonight on knocked on the door at 10:30pm.
I stayed fairly upbeat today. I know Kari is in another place…a much better place and now my life changes. That’s just the way it is. God will get me through. I also hung a treestand today and shot my bow.
I still miss Kari with all my heart but it’s not as constant as it was. God has given me some peace. I thank God for all He has done in my life.
I still don’t know about remarriage. I don’t know where God will lead me. I do know I will be completely healed before I would even consider dating someone and that is a long ways off. Too much other important stuff to worry about, like my awesome kids.
God I’m so thankful for all you give us. We have so much and deserve so little. God give me wisdom to make good choices and help me to avoid sinful temptations. Thank you for today.
The possibility of being completely healed in another month’s time seemed completely unfathomable to me when I wrote those words but that is exactly what happened. I read all the books and they all said to give yourself a solid year before making any big decisions. But if I have learned anything in the time since walking through the valley it is that man’s wisdom is worthless. God can do anything! Just today after praying God led me to 2 different verses to answer my prayer I had just prayed. I ‘randomly’ opened my Bible to one and then to the other. Luke 1:37 “For nothing will be impossible with God.” Mark 10:27 “Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God." What an amazing God I serve!
August 27, 2006
2 months ago my wife, best friend, best buddy, my everything, left earth for heaven. Sometimes I think maybe I put too much of myself into one spot. Then if something happens to that one thing, you are left with nothing. I think Kari and I did too much together. Look at me now. I am lost.
I have missed Kari a lot lately. Sometimes your memories just keep coming and today was one of those days. I cried during church. Someone from church brought over 2 coolers full of frozen meals tonight and I cried about that. I watched some of my Jeremy Camp video and cried during that. My life sucks. I didn’t sign up for this. I miss Kari so much. What am I going to do with my life now? Raising 2 kids is probably enough.
God thank you for the help you have given me through your people. It keeps me going. God empty me and fill me up with you. God thank you for today.
This journal entry is a beautiful illustration of what happens if we build a life on someone or something other than God. This world and everything in it is passing away. Metal rusts. Beauty fades. People die. If we get our hope and joy from people or things what happens when those people or things are gone? If we get our confidence and identity in a job, what happens if we get fired? If we make someone or something else our everything, then God never will be. It took losing my everything to find the one that lasts forever.
2 months ago my wife, best friend, best buddy, my everything, left earth for heaven. Sometimes I think maybe I put too much of myself into one spot. Then if something happens to that one thing, you are left with nothing. I think Kari and I did too much together. Look at me now. I am lost.
I have missed Kari a lot lately. Sometimes your memories just keep coming and today was one of those days. I cried during church. Someone from church brought over 2 coolers full of frozen meals tonight and I cried about that. I watched some of my Jeremy Camp video and cried during that. My life sucks. I didn’t sign up for this. I miss Kari so much. What am I going to do with my life now? Raising 2 kids is probably enough.
God thank you for the help you have given me through your people. It keeps me going. God empty me and fill me up with you. God thank you for today.
This journal entry is a beautiful illustration of what happens if we build a life on someone or something other than God. This world and everything in it is passing away. Metal rusts. Beauty fades. People die. If we get our hope and joy from people or things what happens when those people or things are gone? If we get our confidence and identity in a job, what happens if we get fired? If we make someone or something else our everything, then God never will be. It took losing my everything to find the one that lasts forever.
August 28, 2006
Went to see my counselor for the last time today. It went well. I feel good with my progress. Anything is possible with God. A few different friends called today. I really feel the Lords presence in my life right now. He had made a huge difference in my life. Luke went to his babysitter for the first time today. He seemed to really love it. I miss so much about Kari.
I’m so thankful for our last kiss the night before the accident. I just didn’t know it was goodbye until I get to heaven. I’m so glad when I talked to Kari from work that night we ended our conversation like always…I love you! I miss my wife. I’m so tired of crying. So tired of pain. I love you Lord Jesus Christ. God thank you for today.
I was so glad to have the counseling sessions behind me. The drive was 90 minutes from home and it was a chore that I could check off the list. I was about to return to work and I was trying to get everything taken care of before then. Lauren was doing well in school, Luke liked his new babysitter, and I was on the mend. My life seemed to be coming together.
Today was also the day I received an email from Fawn, my future wife. It shows just how much I knew at the time because even though her email made me laugh out loud, something I had not done since Kari’s death, I didn’t even mention her in the journal entry for the day. She was emailing me cooking directions for some of the food I had received from the church the day before.
Went to see my counselor for the last time today. It went well. I feel good with my progress. Anything is possible with God. A few different friends called today. I really feel the Lords presence in my life right now. He had made a huge difference in my life. Luke went to his babysitter for the first time today. He seemed to really love it. I miss so much about Kari.
I’m so thankful for our last kiss the night before the accident. I just didn’t know it was goodbye until I get to heaven. I’m so glad when I talked to Kari from work that night we ended our conversation like always…I love you! I miss my wife. I’m so tired of crying. So tired of pain. I love you Lord Jesus Christ. God thank you for today.
I was so glad to have the counseling sessions behind me. The drive was 90 minutes from home and it was a chore that I could check off the list. I was about to return to work and I was trying to get everything taken care of before then. Lauren was doing well in school, Luke liked his new babysitter, and I was on the mend. My life seemed to be coming together.
Today was also the day I received an email from Fawn, my future wife. It shows just how much I knew at the time because even though her email made me laugh out loud, something I had not done since Kari’s death, I didn’t even mention her in the journal entry for the day. She was emailing me cooking directions for some of the food I had received from the church the day before.
August 29, 2006
Another day, more tears. I’m comforted by God. I know Kari lives…that’s what gets me up in the morning. That’s what enables me to smile. Through the pain I can see the light. I know I will get better. I have so much to be thankful for. I’m excited for my new job. It will be good to get started on the next chapter of my life…creating new memories. I feel these last 2 horrible months I have healed a great deal. Because of God I feel I’m light years ahead of where I could be.
I’ve noticed my hair has a lot more grays in it now. It’s no wonder right?
I hope and pray I have changed in a big way through all this. I still believe I look at life through Kari’s eyes now. Every day I’m alive is a blessing from my wonderful God but I still can’t wait to see Him face to face. What a glorious day that will be! God thank you for today.
My hope and optimism continued to increase as the days went on. It was exciting to be excited!
At Kari’s funeral I had mentioned that I looked at life through Kari’s eyes now. It was my way of describing that I had been changed. Before the accident I just felt numb to everything. After the accident I felt compassion for everything like Kari did. I now felt far more patient, gentle, and kind.
Another day, more tears. I’m comforted by God. I know Kari lives…that’s what gets me up in the morning. That’s what enables me to smile. Through the pain I can see the light. I know I will get better. I have so much to be thankful for. I’m excited for my new job. It will be good to get started on the next chapter of my life…creating new memories. I feel these last 2 horrible months I have healed a great deal. Because of God I feel I’m light years ahead of where I could be.
I’ve noticed my hair has a lot more grays in it now. It’s no wonder right?
I hope and pray I have changed in a big way through all this. I still believe I look at life through Kari’s eyes now. Every day I’m alive is a blessing from my wonderful God but I still can’t wait to see Him face to face. What a glorious day that will be! God thank you for today.
My hope and optimism continued to increase as the days went on. It was exciting to be excited!
At Kari’s funeral I had mentioned that I looked at life through Kari’s eyes now. It was my way of describing that I had been changed. Before the accident I just felt numb to everything. After the accident I felt compassion for everything like Kari did. I now felt far more patient, gentle, and kind.
August 30, 2006
Just checked in on the kids like I always do. How my heart breaks when I look at them. My heart is broken. I know I only go on because of the Lord’s strength. My faith of knowing that Kari lives and that I have the opportunity to see her again. Sometimes it’s so hard to take it in. I just can’t. I called a friend today and he said a wonderful prayer. The prayer was not about me but about God and all He had done for us.
I finished cleaning Kari’s purse and I cried. I looked through Kari’s recipes and I cried. I looked at our family picture and I cried. I just hope God uses this for His glory. I hope I am changed so much that through me Jesus can do amazing things. I may have a lot of years left. Through me Jesus could make a huge impact. God thank you for today.
I cried a lot this day but a lot of it came from my emotional upset about the kids. I noticed the further along I got in my grief, the more and more I cried for them rather than myself. That is not to say I was completely healed at this point, because I was not. I would continue on an emotional roller coaster for another month or so.
Just checked in on the kids like I always do. How my heart breaks when I look at them. My heart is broken. I know I only go on because of the Lord’s strength. My faith of knowing that Kari lives and that I have the opportunity to see her again. Sometimes it’s so hard to take it in. I just can’t. I called a friend today and he said a wonderful prayer. The prayer was not about me but about God and all He had done for us.
I finished cleaning Kari’s purse and I cried. I looked through Kari’s recipes and I cried. I looked at our family picture and I cried. I just hope God uses this for His glory. I hope I am changed so much that through me Jesus can do amazing things. I may have a lot of years left. Through me Jesus could make a huge impact. God thank you for today.
I cried a lot this day but a lot of it came from my emotional upset about the kids. I noticed the further along I got in my grief, the more and more I cried for them rather than myself. That is not to say I was completely healed at this point, because I was not. I would continue on an emotional roller coaster for another month or so.
August 31, 2006
We went to Lafayette to close a bank account today. We ate lunch with Joel and Desiree and then visited them at their house. We had a good time today. I can talk best to Joel and Desiree. I am very comfortable there. They might bring supper on Wednesday.
Today was the big brownie mishap. I had to pick Lauren up at the soccer field. I also called Laurens soccer coach. She got misplaced somehow.
I continue to cry daily but I think it’s a good thing. It’s all part of the process. I miss Kari so much and the way she always ran her hair across her lips. Oh how I miss that!
I can see how hard it is going to be to keep up around the house. It’s going to be nuts. I know with God’s help I can do it.
I am so thankful I can go to church every Sunday. How awesome. Kari would be ecstatic. I am sure she is where she is at. I believe my job is going to be good. I can’t wait to get started and start making new memories. Lord thank you for today.
What a great day…until Lauren got misplaced somehow. There was some kind of miscommunication and someone took Lauren from the school that wasn’t supposed to so when I went to pick her up she was not there. I did not need that stress in my life because every stress I faced was still being magnified. I still remember the phone calls and my upset stomach.
Tears were still falling but they were changing. I felt healing when I cried. I felt strengthened when I prayed through those tears.
We went to Lafayette to close a bank account today. We ate lunch with Joel and Desiree and then visited them at their house. We had a good time today. I can talk best to Joel and Desiree. I am very comfortable there. They might bring supper on Wednesday.
Today was the big brownie mishap. I had to pick Lauren up at the soccer field. I also called Laurens soccer coach. She got misplaced somehow.
I continue to cry daily but I think it’s a good thing. It’s all part of the process. I miss Kari so much and the way she always ran her hair across her lips. Oh how I miss that!
I can see how hard it is going to be to keep up around the house. It’s going to be nuts. I know with God’s help I can do it.
I am so thankful I can go to church every Sunday. How awesome. Kari would be ecstatic. I am sure she is where she is at. I believe my job is going to be good. I can’t wait to get started and start making new memories. Lord thank you for today.
What a great day…until Lauren got misplaced somehow. There was some kind of miscommunication and someone took Lauren from the school that wasn’t supposed to so when I went to pick her up she was not there. I did not need that stress in my life because every stress I faced was still being magnified. I still remember the phone calls and my upset stomach.
Tears were still falling but they were changing. I felt healing when I cried. I felt strengthened when I prayed through those tears.
September 2, 2006
I somehow forgot to write in here yesterday. Today has been ok. We went to Elwood for my nephew’s birthday.
I can’t wait to praise Jesus tomorrow at church. I think my parents are coming over. I didn’t cry much today. I don’t know what to make of that. Sometimes I just think I am out of tears.
Almost time to start my new job. I am getting excited. Almost deer season. I am starting to get excited about that. It’s nice to feel something other than pain. The pain is still there but I think there are some good times too. I like to just meet people now. Funny how things change you. I just talk more now. I am more connected, more engaged. I am more how Kari wanted me to be. Funny how things work out like that. Actually, not funny at all. But I know that it doesn’t matter. I can’t change the past and I know Kari is in heaven. I can make a difference now though. Everyone I meet I can be different. I can be a shining light for Jesus Christ. I know Jesus loves me and I just need to let others know He loves them too. God thank you for today.
My healing continues as evidenced by my enthusiasm. I also continue to exhibit signs that the Holy Spirit had indeed been working on me. Kari always knew that I struggled to show love, struggled to be ‘present’ in the moment. A pornography addiction among other things had caused me to be detached from my emotions. In a matter of several weeks my personality and my ability to love had changed. I had a new nature. Ephesians 4:24
I somehow forgot to write in here yesterday. Today has been ok. We went to Elwood for my nephew’s birthday.
I can’t wait to praise Jesus tomorrow at church. I think my parents are coming over. I didn’t cry much today. I don’t know what to make of that. Sometimes I just think I am out of tears.
Almost time to start my new job. I am getting excited. Almost deer season. I am starting to get excited about that. It’s nice to feel something other than pain. The pain is still there but I think there are some good times too. I like to just meet people now. Funny how things change you. I just talk more now. I am more connected, more engaged. I am more how Kari wanted me to be. Funny how things work out like that. Actually, not funny at all. But I know that it doesn’t matter. I can’t change the past and I know Kari is in heaven. I can make a difference now though. Everyone I meet I can be different. I can be a shining light for Jesus Christ. I know Jesus loves me and I just need to let others know He loves them too. God thank you for today.
My healing continues as evidenced by my enthusiasm. I also continue to exhibit signs that the Holy Spirit had indeed been working on me. Kari always knew that I struggled to show love, struggled to be ‘present’ in the moment. A pornography addiction among other things had caused me to be detached from my emotions. In a matter of several weeks my personality and my ability to love had changed. I had a new nature. Ephesians 4:24
September 3, 2006
Not a whole lot of tears again today. My parents came over after church to put up a tree stand. I also met Fawn at church today…she seemed nice. Lauren and I had a fun night looking for deer and playing with playdough. One more day off then back to work. It has been a long time. I think I am ready. I want to be more like Jesus. I need to make some changes. God thank you for today.
This was my only other reference to Fawn in the journal. I was still oblivious to God’s plan. Just 2 months later we would officially be a thing and in just over 4 months we would be married in the very kitchen where so much pain had been felt.
Not a whole lot of tears again today. My parents came over after church to put up a tree stand. I also met Fawn at church today…she seemed nice. Lauren and I had a fun night looking for deer and playing with playdough. One more day off then back to work. It has been a long time. I think I am ready. I want to be more like Jesus. I need to make some changes. God thank you for today.
This was my only other reference to Fawn in the journal. I was still oblivious to God’s plan. Just 2 months later we would officially be a thing and in just over 4 months we would be married in the very kitchen where so much pain had been felt.
September 4, 2006
Tomorrow is my first day at my new job. I am excited about that. Maybe a little nervous. It has been forever since I have worked. I think I am mentally ready. God has really been with me through all this. He has comforted me.
I had a few friends call tonight. It was nice to hear from them and they both encouraged me. They have confidence in me, and I have confidence in God so I know I am ok. I guess I am ok right now. Just kind of doing. I still hurt. I still have some shock and disbelief. It’s still very hard but it is different. I think we are going to be ok thanks to God.
God thank you for all you have done and for dying for us. God thank you for today.
The time to start my new job was almost here. I was really looking forward to being somebody and doing something. I was tired of being known as the grieving guy. I wanted to produce. Because I was starting a new job and because I had not worked in several weeks, I was a little scared but God really gave me a peace about it all and He began to give me what I call Godfidence. For the first time ever, I felt encouraged from the inside out.
Tomorrow is my first day at my new job. I am excited about that. Maybe a little nervous. It has been forever since I have worked. I think I am mentally ready. God has really been with me through all this. He has comforted me.
I had a few friends call tonight. It was nice to hear from them and they both encouraged me. They have confidence in me, and I have confidence in God so I know I am ok. I guess I am ok right now. Just kind of doing. I still hurt. I still have some shock and disbelief. It’s still very hard but it is different. I think we are going to be ok thanks to God.
God thank you for all you have done and for dying for us. God thank you for today.
The time to start my new job was almost here. I was really looking forward to being somebody and doing something. I was tired of being known as the grieving guy. I wanted to produce. Because I was starting a new job and because I had not worked in several weeks, I was a little scared but God really gave me a peace about it all and He began to give me what I call Godfidence. For the first time ever, I felt encouraged from the inside out.
September 5, 2006
Work went great! Several people called today and Joel and Desiree are coming over tomorrow. That should be good. I think I am going to fit in very well at work. Kari would be so excited for me right now. Who’s to say she doesn’t know?
I cried quite a bit during my worship time tonight. I know Jesus caught every tear drop. Jesus has given me a peace. Wherever He leads me I will follow.
Jesus use my hands and feet. The only thing that really matters to me is the Lord Jesus Christ. God thank you for today.
I was very busy on this day and I had incredible support to help get me through. I don’t remember a single tear drop until worship time. Of course, if I am truly worshiping in song and prayer, tears will fall no matter my circumstances. I thought that I was finally climbing out of the valley but I was about to go down one last time.
Work went great! Several people called today and Joel and Desiree are coming over tomorrow. That should be good. I think I am going to fit in very well at work. Kari would be so excited for me right now. Who’s to say she doesn’t know?
I cried quite a bit during my worship time tonight. I know Jesus caught every tear drop. Jesus has given me a peace. Wherever He leads me I will follow.
Jesus use my hands and feet. The only thing that really matters to me is the Lord Jesus Christ. God thank you for today.
I was very busy on this day and I had incredible support to help get me through. I don’t remember a single tear drop until worship time. Of course, if I am truly worshiping in song and prayer, tears will fall no matter my circumstances. I thought that I was finally climbing out of the valley but I was about to go down one last time.
September 6, 2006
My second day of work was good. During the slow times my mind wanders and that is no fun. Remembering the accident. Remembering everything about Kari. I miss Kari so much! I am so alone. I don’t realize how lonely I am until a friend or family member come over. How great it is when they are here but then they go home. I now know how Kari always felt when someone came to visit. I didn’t understand it then but I understand so clearly now. She hated it when friends left.
Joel and Desiree came over tonight. We had a lot of fun. I love those guys.
This pain will never go away. I am forever scarred. No amount of time fixes this situation. I hurt inside.
God restore me. God thank you for today.
I was right about one thing, no amount of time was going to fix me. The saying time heals is an example of worthless worldly wisdom. Time may weaken our memory and time may give us an opportunity to adapt, but time can’t heal. But there is one who can. My pain did go away and today I don’t even have scars. A few years ago I wrote about still having my scars because I hadn’t fully matured in Christ. Today I have a fullness that I didn’t know back then. Today I am healed as if it didn’t even happen except one thing. What I gained through that experience is my most prized possession. I know God!
My second day of work was good. During the slow times my mind wanders and that is no fun. Remembering the accident. Remembering everything about Kari. I miss Kari so much! I am so alone. I don’t realize how lonely I am until a friend or family member come over. How great it is when they are here but then they go home. I now know how Kari always felt when someone came to visit. I didn’t understand it then but I understand so clearly now. She hated it when friends left.
Joel and Desiree came over tonight. We had a lot of fun. I love those guys.
This pain will never go away. I am forever scarred. No amount of time fixes this situation. I hurt inside.
God restore me. God thank you for today.
I was right about one thing, no amount of time was going to fix me. The saying time heals is an example of worthless worldly wisdom. Time may weaken our memory and time may give us an opportunity to adapt, but time can’t heal. But there is one who can. My pain did go away and today I don’t even have scars. A few years ago I wrote about still having my scars because I hadn’t fully matured in Christ. Today I have a fullness that I didn’t know back then. Today I am healed as if it didn’t even happen except one thing. What I gained through that experience is my most prized possession. I know God!
September 7, 2006
I like my job. I hate my situation. I have been angry lately and I don’t like it. I need to control my anger with the kids. I’m just stretched right now. Lauren had her first soccer practice today.
I want my life fixed but I can’t fix it. I need a vacation. I need a break. But where do you go? There is no place to run. No person to hold you. My life is so meaningless right now. I don’t have the time or energy to help other people. I am just surviving and I don’t like that. I want to make a difference. I need to reach out more. I need to be friendlier, more talkative, share more smiles, and let God’s love shine through me. God thank you for today.
My extra workload was causing a strain on me that I had difficulty handling. Finding joy in God and staying at home is one thing. Holding it all together while being out in the real world was quite another. It would take me another 3-4 weeks or so before things began to smooth out. I had to learn how to live a new life. It would take some time and I needed to heal some more. I needed to keep seeking God.
I like my job. I hate my situation. I have been angry lately and I don’t like it. I need to control my anger with the kids. I’m just stretched right now. Lauren had her first soccer practice today.
I want my life fixed but I can’t fix it. I need a vacation. I need a break. But where do you go? There is no place to run. No person to hold you. My life is so meaningless right now. I don’t have the time or energy to help other people. I am just surviving and I don’t like that. I want to make a difference. I need to reach out more. I need to be friendlier, more talkative, share more smiles, and let God’s love shine through me. God thank you for today.
My extra workload was causing a strain on me that I had difficulty handling. Finding joy in God and staying at home is one thing. Holding it all together while being out in the real world was quite another. It would take me another 3-4 weeks or so before things began to smooth out. I had to learn how to live a new life. It would take some time and I needed to heal some more. I needed to keep seeking God.
September 17, 2006
It has been a while since I’ve wrote in here. The last 10 days has been hell. My new job is going ok but it has been pretty hard trying to run the whole house by myself. I get angry sometimes and I need to control it. I have missed Kari really really badly lately. I feel so alone. I’m depressed. I have been crying a lot. I’m just in a rut. By my faith is very strong. I can’t wait to meet Jesus. I still want to help others. I am ready and willing to be a slave of Jesus Christ. Jesus fill me with you and take away my sins. Lead me from temptation. God thank you for today.
This would be my final journal entry. I am not sure why I quit. I know I got overwhelmed with the busyness of my life so that was probably why. This double dip back in the valley did not last for very long. I suppose God had a little more work to do on me before His work was complete from this experience. Of course, His work is never complete in us. I often told people God healed me from my pain in 3 months. As unbelievable as it may seem, I experienced it. I know firsthand that anything is possible with God.
I went to bed happily married, I woke up a grieving single parent. But that is not all that happened. I also went to bed spiritually dead but woke up alive in Jesus Christ. I can’t help but tell people of how He did what only God can do. I hope and pray that in sharing my journey it will somehow help you in yours.
God gave me the idea to make this journal a part of a new book that could be a stand alone book or be a supplement to Winning Through a Loss. I can’t wait to get it finished so I can share whatever God puts on my heart.
Seek Jesus Christ with all your heart!
Jason
It has been a while since I’ve wrote in here. The last 10 days has been hell. My new job is going ok but it has been pretty hard trying to run the whole house by myself. I get angry sometimes and I need to control it. I have missed Kari really really badly lately. I feel so alone. I’m depressed. I have been crying a lot. I’m just in a rut. By my faith is very strong. I can’t wait to meet Jesus. I still want to help others. I am ready and willing to be a slave of Jesus Christ. Jesus fill me with you and take away my sins. Lead me from temptation. God thank you for today.
This would be my final journal entry. I am not sure why I quit. I know I got overwhelmed with the busyness of my life so that was probably why. This double dip back in the valley did not last for very long. I suppose God had a little more work to do on me before His work was complete from this experience. Of course, His work is never complete in us. I often told people God healed me from my pain in 3 months. As unbelievable as it may seem, I experienced it. I know firsthand that anything is possible with God.
I went to bed happily married, I woke up a grieving single parent. But that is not all that happened. I also went to bed spiritually dead but woke up alive in Jesus Christ. I can’t help but tell people of how He did what only God can do. I hope and pray that in sharing my journey it will somehow help you in yours.
God gave me the idea to make this journal a part of a new book that could be a stand alone book or be a supplement to Winning Through a Loss. I can’t wait to get it finished so I can share whatever God puts on my heart.
Seek Jesus Christ with all your heart!
Jason
