WINNING THRU A LOSS
UPDATE
During the initial writing process of this book in 2013, I was on fire. I was on fire for my future, a future that seemed perfectly planned. I told everyone I knew about those plans. I had never been more sure of where I wanted to go.
When the book was published in December 2013, I had just finished up my first semester of school. I had done really well nearly earning perfect scores in all my classes. But as the days passed, something changed inside of me. Looking back, I guess things changed for me even before the book was published.
When I entered school in the fall, the book manuscript was basically complete. I wasn’t sure when I was going to have time to publish it but I wasn’t too worried about it. I had plans, big plans, and I didn’t have time to worry about something that wasn’t school related. It was all that I could do to keep up with my full time job, my full time school load, and my full time large family.
At the beginning of the school year, God placed it upon my heart to share my book with my English Composition instructor. Because of my busyness, unfortunately I ignored Him. Towards the end of the semester, with only a month or so left before it was to be over, God again placed it upon my heart. Unlike the first time, this time I decided to listen.
My English class was an online course so I decided to email my instructor to ask if she would be interested in reading my book to provide feedback. I was pleasantly surprised when I received her email stating she would love to have the opportunity. I quickly emailed the book to her and patiently waited for her response. At the time, I was so busy, I really didn’t put a whole lot of thought into wondering when she was going to get back with me. I was focused on school, and at times, I kind of forgot she was supposed to be reading it. I just went on with life.
One day, while checking my school email, I saw a message from my English instructor. I was blown away beyond words when I read what she wrote me. She apologized it had taken her two weeks to read the book but she said she just couldn’t read it any faster because of the tear drops that fell. She then wrote of her own personal story of walking through the grief valley.
She was the first person to arrive on scene to her 24 year old son’s house fire. It was a fire he would not survive. She found what was left of his body, smoldering in the ashes. My heart broke for her as I read her powerful and touching words. As the email continued and I read how my book had touched her life, I began to realize what God had given me when he gave me the words to the book. He had given me a book of hope.
My English instructor strongly encouraged me to not only publish the book, but to do it quickly. Her encouraging words brought a smile to my face but I couldn’t help but wonder what the rush was. I emailed her back to ask why I must hurry. I had just started the long journey in school and I didn’t really have time to put the finishing touches on the book and publish it at the time.
Her words back to me in her next message again moved me greatly. She said, “I honestly don’t know why I said that. I just felt God telling me to tell you that.” I didn’t understand her words or God’s words right then, but as time went on it became more and more clear. Even though I was super busy, I immediately starting working on the book and by the time the semester was out, I had my first book published. It was an exciting time for me.
As the months passed, I began hearing other stories of how the book had impacted people’s lives. I started hearing praise for not only my testament but also for my writing skills. I began to wonder if I indeed had what it took to be a successful writer.
About this same time, a lot of things about me going to school started weighing on my mind. I felt I was neglecting my family, my job, and most importantly, my God. Over the next few months it seemed everywhere I turned, I would be given a new sign that I was making a mistake by going to school. I began to realize that God was speaking to me. But how could this be? I felt so strongly before I started school that God wanted me there. I didn’t understand why he would have me to start school, then months later take me in another direction. I felt a bit depressed for a while. I felt like a failure. I had many questions and I didn’t have the answers.
Then one day, as I started to focus on God more, the answer became clear to me. Not only was I taught many things about my relationship with God by going through that semester and a half of school, I also realized that God brought my English instructor and I together. I truly believe that we crossed paths as part of God’s plan. Had I not went back to school, it may have never happened. My instructor gave me the confidence and direction to get it published. She even recommended the publishing website that I eventually used. Who knows, had I not met my English instructor, I may have never published the book.
When I dreamed of becoming a nurse and helping others in the medical field, I was desperately searching for my place. I wanted to passionately help others and I wanted to share God’s love while doing it. I thought that is where He wanted me. I felt it was the opportunity I was searching for.
But something happened to me along my journey in school. Some would call it logic or reasoning but I know it was more than that. I call it a revelation from God. He helped me to realize what I was wanting all along was right before me. I didn’t need a special degree or job to further His kingdom. He gave me a gift to write. I had the platform I needed to reach people.
Once I realized what he was telling me, I had a peace about dropping out of school. I realized I am anything but a failure and only if I continued down a path that wasn’t focused on God, would I have become one. Recently, I published my second book and I finished a third that is available for free on my website. Like before, I couldn’t be more excited about my future. Had I not listened to God and quit school when I did, I may have never become any more than a guy that wrote some words on the computer.
Looking back on some writing I did when I was in college right out of high school, I cringe as I read my work. I had always enjoyed writing but the honest truth is, it was not too good. I have read if you want to be a great writer, you, well, write. You practice and practice, and practice some more. The more you write, the better you will become. But I didn’t write. Years past and I don’t recall writing the first thing. Out of nowhere around 2004, I started writing some short stories about a fictional character I made up and I shared them online. I was overwhelmed and flattered when I had a few people asking if I wrote for outdoor magazines. I just scratched my head in disbelief.
Only after publishing this book and realizing that God had big plans for me, did I realize what happened. Out of nowhere, when I least expected it, God gave me the gift. I am not claiming to be great at it, but you just don’t go from a bad writer to pretty good by yourself. I know God gave me the gift. He had the plan in place. He wanted me to share His story. It is up to me now to do what is right and be obedient to Him. Perhaps I have only scratched the surface of what He has in store for me.
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After talking with several people that were struggling with grief, I felt led to add some additional thoughts to the book. I pray that the additional words help those suffering the loss of a loved one.
You think your life has ended. Your life as you knew it, indeed has. How do you carry on? Why do you carry on? What motivates you to get up each morning to face the unbearable task of living without someone you cared so much about?
Grieving the loss of my best friend and wife was the most painful, difficult, gut wrenching thing I have ever done and I am not sure how anything could be any harder. It was all I could do to just wake up each day. I walked around in a haze, at times barely able to stand. There was no amount of sleep that could bring me rest. I was in a constant state of exhaustion.
Death is without a doubt the hardest thing about life. To those without faith, we only have a set number of days then its forever over. There is no tomorrow. There is no reunion in heaven. I am here to tell you, they are wrong. Life on earth is only the beginning.
When I was deep in the grief valley searching for answers and hope in the bible, God gave me Luke 9:60 But Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” I scratched my head when I first read those words as I tried to figure out what Jesus was saying. I knew he was not telling me not to grieve, for even he wept when his friend Lazarus died. So what was he trying to tell me?
I soon realized after continued studying what He meant. Jesus wept but He didn’t spend the next two years in grief. He immediately went about the business of spreading his father’s message. Jesus knew that when Lazarus died he was not really dead. He was not gone forever.
Jesus commands us with this verse to not grieve like unbelievers. He commands us to not mope around feeling sorry for ourselves but to live our lives full of hope regardless of how hard life gets. When Kari died, my life changed. In the verse, Jesus is telling me to move on. But this is disrespectful you say. Shouldn’t you honor her memory? On the contrary, it would be disrespectful to Kari if I just gave up on life and lay down instead of living my life full of passion and excitement. If Kari truly loved me, and I know she did, she would want me to keep living, keep dreaming, and keep making wonderful memories. I did not get called home. I still had a purpose.
Since my wife died nine years ago, I have yet to visit her grave. I know she is not there. I know I cannot speak to her again until I get to heaven. My chance to show her how much I loved her and cared about her are over. There is no amount of weeds I could pull or no amount of flowers I could leave at her head stone that would change anything. She is no longer living on this earth. She is in heaven.
I challenge anyone that is walking through the grief valley to look at your grief differently. We all want to keep the memory alive of those that have gone on before us, and rightfully so, but what if we change our thinking? Rather than lying beautiful flowers on a grave, that will eventually wilt and fade away, for a person that will never see them, why not plant seeds? There are so many hurting and lost people in this world. What better way to remember and honor your loved one than to watch those around you bloom into all that God created them to be.
If you are walking through the grief valley, you were chosen by God to suffer. You can run and hide from the reality of that statement or you can embrace it. Ignoring the fact that God has allowed you to suffer does not change your circumstances.
Saying goodbye to your best friend, a parent, or a child, is ridiculously hard but if we must go through it, we must choose to handle grief in a different way. We can act like those without faith and turn bitter about our pain. We can isolate ourselves from the world and turn to drugs, alcohol, or sex to try to fill the emptiness and despair inside. Or we can trust that Jesus is in control despite not always understanding why He does what He does. We can choose to trust in His plan with everything we have. In Romans 5:3-5, God talks about this choice. “Not only this, but we also rejoice in sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” We can accept that God is purifying us through our pain. We can choose to be molded by God through our sorrows. We can choose to be thankful for the sufferings.
I asked daily while on my knees that he mold me into that man he wanted me to be. I can honestly say today, I am glad I went through what I went through. I rejoice that I was allowed to suffer something so devastating in my life. I know the pain changed me like nothing else could. I now feel the presence of God in my life that I had never felt before. When you are forced to hold onto Him with everything you have, He changes who you are at your very core.
There is nothing like the feeling you have when you trust God with everything in your life. Even when you are deep in the grief valley and you are so very tired, weak, and broken, He can strengthen you. In Isaiah 40:31 God speaks of this. But those who wait for the Lord’s help find renewed strength; they rise up as if they had eagles’ wings, they run without growing weary, they walk without getting tired. Many times while grieving, I had courage, strength, and wisdom that was not my own. Most of the time I didn’t feel like I had enough energy to last another day, but God always provided me hope of a brighter tomorrow. I whole heartedly credit God for carrying me through the valley when I couldn’t take the baby steps myself.
I remember in the days following the funeral I felt lost. I had been married for nine years and through those years, I felt our lives had become melted together like butter in a frying pan. Somewhere along the way, I felt I had lost myself as an individual. After Kari’s death, I was alone, afraid, and lost and I didn’t know what to do. I quickly learned, after studying the bible that I had leaned on Kari instead of leaning on God. All the things I was supposed to get from God, I was trying to get from her. I realized, I didn’t need a person to give me those things. God created a desire inside of me to want what He had to offer. I desperately needed Him. Once I realized that God could supply my every need, I began to heal quicker than I thought was possible.
When you have God, you have purpose and direction and you have hope. You have the perfect relationship with the creator of the universe. With God on your side, you have nothing to fear. God is always standing by. You only have to call out His name and He will help you through the storms. He tells us this in Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” I am living proof that these aren’t just words in a book. God is real.
In the days following Kari’s death I found John 11:25-26 to be extremely comforting. 25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; 26 and whoever lives by believing in me will never die.” I was so comforted by those God breathed words that I had shirts made with the verses on them and I gave the shirts to family members for Christmas. I clung to that verse with everything that I had. I knew that Kari loved Jesus. I knew without a shadow of a doubt, she was in Heaven. I didn’t think as much about what she was missing out on or what she would never do again. I focused more on what she was experiencing in heaven and how amazing it must be. I knew my tears that I was crying were not for her, for she was in paradise. They were for me.
When I started to have a relationship with Fawn in November of 2006, just five short months after Kari died, I was at peace. I did not feel guilty, or shameful, or disrespectful. It felt normal and natural. I felt Fawn was a blessing from God. I knew God had healed me and then brought us together.
Since writing Winning Through a Loss, I have talked to many people that have walked or are walking through the grief valley. In that time, I have noticed a common theme among those that lost their spouse. They feel an extreme guilt about moving on with their lives. They feel that they are not only disrespecting the deceased but also disrespecting God if they even entertain the thought of getting into another relationship and remarrying again someday. They are afraid of what others might think.
When I was in search of answers in the weeks and months following the death of Kari, I found a bible verse written by the apostle Paul that really opened my eyes on what God thinks about your life after your spouse dies. Romans 7:2 For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law that binds her to him. The bible clearly states it is ok to marry after your spouse dies. God created man and woman with the thought and desire that they would come together and become one in a marriage relationship. It is not a requirement to remarry after a spousal death, but it is certainly ok with the creator.
If you have married, when you stood in front of your wedding party and said the vows, till death do us part, you were in agreement with the state, with God, and with your spouse that if one of you died, the other would be free. When Kari died, I didn’t ask for it to happen. I didn’t want it to happen. I didn’t want to be free. But once I was in that position, God told me I was free. This freedom is further illustrated in Matthew 22:30 At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.” When you make it to heaven, your spouse will not be waiting for you at the pearly gates with open arms to carry on your marriage partnership. In heaven you will not be committed to a relationship because you will love everyone just the same. When your spouse dies you are forever free from the marriage.
Knowing that God still had big plans for me on earth, I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life focused on my old life. I still loved Kari but I knew trying to stay in the past was not healthy. I knew God still had a purpose for me or He would have called me home too. My mind and my heart were still full of hopes and dreams. I knew to truly honor God I needed to be the best that I could be and to do that, I knew I needed to let go of the pain and heartache that losing Kari had created.
Today, my hopes and dreams are bigger than they have ever been before. I have an excitement for life that I never felt before the tragic events in 2006. I ooze motivation, joy, and passion. I no longer look for people or things to bring me happiness or to fill the void in my heart.
I often hear people say I wish I could have what you have. I wish I could become more passionate or motivated. I wish I could get through my grief as fast as you did. I am here to say, you can. It is a choice. If you surrender to God with everything you have, there is no limitation to what He can do for you. He is the creator of the universe. He can take your hurt and pain away. He can bring you to the other side of grief quicker than you think is possible. He can make your broken life great again. Trust Ephesians 3:20 “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.” God can do more for us than we could ever conceive.
After you make it through the grief valley and are healed, the scars will remain. No matter how hard you work at it and no matter how much you pray, your scars will never go away. But that is ok. Scars are a good thing. God loves your beautiful scars. Your scars are like Gods artwork. When you were broken, He shaped and changed you through your pain and then put you back together into something far more beautiful than you were before. Use your scars to remind you of the beautiful work God performed on you.
Once you are healed you will realize your scars have a purpose. Scars are like a fountain or an energy source. They provide a deeper sense of passion, compassion, and empathy. They allow us to feel a deeper love and a deeper joy. Scars allow us to see the world a bit more like God sees it. Scars are a gift from God.
As you walk through the valley remember God is in control and He always knows what is best, even when he allows you to suffer tremendous pain and heartache. Remember he would never give you more than you could handle, even though it often feels like your grief is far too much to overcome. Truth is, grief is too much to handle by yourself. Lucky for us, this world didn’t just happen by accident. We have an almighty creator that cares deeply for us. He wants to help us when we are hurting. He wants to comfort us in our time of need.
So how do we move on? How do we keep living when a piece of us is missing? You must keep fighting. You must keep clawing and scratching. You must keep believing. Allow God to fill the emptiness you have inside. Honor your lost loved one by spending the rest of the days God gives you by honoring Him. Honor Him by living your life to the fullest. Honor Him by being thankful for what you still have, and by focusing on what really matters in life, proclaiming the kingdom of God. Be filled with the hope of a place that has no more sickness, or death, or pain. Our time on earth is temporary, but life with Jesus is forever.
UPDATE
During the initial writing process of this book in 2013, I was on fire. I was on fire for my future, a future that seemed perfectly planned. I told everyone I knew about those plans. I had never been more sure of where I wanted to go.
When the book was published in December 2013, I had just finished up my first semester of school. I had done really well nearly earning perfect scores in all my classes. But as the days passed, something changed inside of me. Looking back, I guess things changed for me even before the book was published.
When I entered school in the fall, the book manuscript was basically complete. I wasn’t sure when I was going to have time to publish it but I wasn’t too worried about it. I had plans, big plans, and I didn’t have time to worry about something that wasn’t school related. It was all that I could do to keep up with my full time job, my full time school load, and my full time large family.
At the beginning of the school year, God placed it upon my heart to share my book with my English Composition instructor. Because of my busyness, unfortunately I ignored Him. Towards the end of the semester, with only a month or so left before it was to be over, God again placed it upon my heart. Unlike the first time, this time I decided to listen.
My English class was an online course so I decided to email my instructor to ask if she would be interested in reading my book to provide feedback. I was pleasantly surprised when I received her email stating she would love to have the opportunity. I quickly emailed the book to her and patiently waited for her response. At the time, I was so busy, I really didn’t put a whole lot of thought into wondering when she was going to get back with me. I was focused on school, and at times, I kind of forgot she was supposed to be reading it. I just went on with life.
One day, while checking my school email, I saw a message from my English instructor. I was blown away beyond words when I read what she wrote me. She apologized it had taken her two weeks to read the book but she said she just couldn’t read it any faster because of the tear drops that fell. She then wrote of her own personal story of walking through the grief valley.
She was the first person to arrive on scene to her 24 year old son’s house fire. It was a fire he would not survive. She found what was left of his body, smoldering in the ashes. My heart broke for her as I read her powerful and touching words. As the email continued and I read how my book had touched her life, I began to realize what God had given me when he gave me the words to the book. He had given me a book of hope.
My English instructor strongly encouraged me to not only publish the book, but to do it quickly. Her encouraging words brought a smile to my face but I couldn’t help but wonder what the rush was. I emailed her back to ask why I must hurry. I had just started the long journey in school and I didn’t really have time to put the finishing touches on the book and publish it at the time.
Her words back to me in her next message again moved me greatly. She said, “I honestly don’t know why I said that. I just felt God telling me to tell you that.” I didn’t understand her words or God’s words right then, but as time went on it became more and more clear. Even though I was super busy, I immediately starting working on the book and by the time the semester was out, I had my first book published. It was an exciting time for me.
As the months passed, I began hearing other stories of how the book had impacted people’s lives. I started hearing praise for not only my testament but also for my writing skills. I began to wonder if I indeed had what it took to be a successful writer.
About this same time, a lot of things about me going to school started weighing on my mind. I felt I was neglecting my family, my job, and most importantly, my God. Over the next few months it seemed everywhere I turned, I would be given a new sign that I was making a mistake by going to school. I began to realize that God was speaking to me. But how could this be? I felt so strongly before I started school that God wanted me there. I didn’t understand why he would have me to start school, then months later take me in another direction. I felt a bit depressed for a while. I felt like a failure. I had many questions and I didn’t have the answers.
Then one day, as I started to focus on God more, the answer became clear to me. Not only was I taught many things about my relationship with God by going through that semester and a half of school, I also realized that God brought my English instructor and I together. I truly believe that we crossed paths as part of God’s plan. Had I not went back to school, it may have never happened. My instructor gave me the confidence and direction to get it published. She even recommended the publishing website that I eventually used. Who knows, had I not met my English instructor, I may have never published the book.
When I dreamed of becoming a nurse and helping others in the medical field, I was desperately searching for my place. I wanted to passionately help others and I wanted to share God’s love while doing it. I thought that is where He wanted me. I felt it was the opportunity I was searching for.
But something happened to me along my journey in school. Some would call it logic or reasoning but I know it was more than that. I call it a revelation from God. He helped me to realize what I was wanting all along was right before me. I didn’t need a special degree or job to further His kingdom. He gave me a gift to write. I had the platform I needed to reach people.
Once I realized what he was telling me, I had a peace about dropping out of school. I realized I am anything but a failure and only if I continued down a path that wasn’t focused on God, would I have become one. Recently, I published my second book and I finished a third that is available for free on my website. Like before, I couldn’t be more excited about my future. Had I not listened to God and quit school when I did, I may have never become any more than a guy that wrote some words on the computer.
Looking back on some writing I did when I was in college right out of high school, I cringe as I read my work. I had always enjoyed writing but the honest truth is, it was not too good. I have read if you want to be a great writer, you, well, write. You practice and practice, and practice some more. The more you write, the better you will become. But I didn’t write. Years past and I don’t recall writing the first thing. Out of nowhere around 2004, I started writing some short stories about a fictional character I made up and I shared them online. I was overwhelmed and flattered when I had a few people asking if I wrote for outdoor magazines. I just scratched my head in disbelief.
Only after publishing this book and realizing that God had big plans for me, did I realize what happened. Out of nowhere, when I least expected it, God gave me the gift. I am not claiming to be great at it, but you just don’t go from a bad writer to pretty good by yourself. I know God gave me the gift. He had the plan in place. He wanted me to share His story. It is up to me now to do what is right and be obedient to Him. Perhaps I have only scratched the surface of what He has in store for me.
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After talking with several people that were struggling with grief, I felt led to add some additional thoughts to the book. I pray that the additional words help those suffering the loss of a loved one.
You think your life has ended. Your life as you knew it, indeed has. How do you carry on? Why do you carry on? What motivates you to get up each morning to face the unbearable task of living without someone you cared so much about?
Grieving the loss of my best friend and wife was the most painful, difficult, gut wrenching thing I have ever done and I am not sure how anything could be any harder. It was all I could do to just wake up each day. I walked around in a haze, at times barely able to stand. There was no amount of sleep that could bring me rest. I was in a constant state of exhaustion.
Death is without a doubt the hardest thing about life. To those without faith, we only have a set number of days then its forever over. There is no tomorrow. There is no reunion in heaven. I am here to tell you, they are wrong. Life on earth is only the beginning.
When I was deep in the grief valley searching for answers and hope in the bible, God gave me Luke 9:60 But Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” I scratched my head when I first read those words as I tried to figure out what Jesus was saying. I knew he was not telling me not to grieve, for even he wept when his friend Lazarus died. So what was he trying to tell me?
I soon realized after continued studying what He meant. Jesus wept but He didn’t spend the next two years in grief. He immediately went about the business of spreading his father’s message. Jesus knew that when Lazarus died he was not really dead. He was not gone forever.
Jesus commands us with this verse to not grieve like unbelievers. He commands us to not mope around feeling sorry for ourselves but to live our lives full of hope regardless of how hard life gets. When Kari died, my life changed. In the verse, Jesus is telling me to move on. But this is disrespectful you say. Shouldn’t you honor her memory? On the contrary, it would be disrespectful to Kari if I just gave up on life and lay down instead of living my life full of passion and excitement. If Kari truly loved me, and I know she did, she would want me to keep living, keep dreaming, and keep making wonderful memories. I did not get called home. I still had a purpose.
Since my wife died nine years ago, I have yet to visit her grave. I know she is not there. I know I cannot speak to her again until I get to heaven. My chance to show her how much I loved her and cared about her are over. There is no amount of weeds I could pull or no amount of flowers I could leave at her head stone that would change anything. She is no longer living on this earth. She is in heaven.
I challenge anyone that is walking through the grief valley to look at your grief differently. We all want to keep the memory alive of those that have gone on before us, and rightfully so, but what if we change our thinking? Rather than lying beautiful flowers on a grave, that will eventually wilt and fade away, for a person that will never see them, why not plant seeds? There are so many hurting and lost people in this world. What better way to remember and honor your loved one than to watch those around you bloom into all that God created them to be.
If you are walking through the grief valley, you were chosen by God to suffer. You can run and hide from the reality of that statement or you can embrace it. Ignoring the fact that God has allowed you to suffer does not change your circumstances.
Saying goodbye to your best friend, a parent, or a child, is ridiculously hard but if we must go through it, we must choose to handle grief in a different way. We can act like those without faith and turn bitter about our pain. We can isolate ourselves from the world and turn to drugs, alcohol, or sex to try to fill the emptiness and despair inside. Or we can trust that Jesus is in control despite not always understanding why He does what He does. We can choose to trust in His plan with everything we have. In Romans 5:3-5, God talks about this choice. “Not only this, but we also rejoice in sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” We can accept that God is purifying us through our pain. We can choose to be molded by God through our sorrows. We can choose to be thankful for the sufferings.
I asked daily while on my knees that he mold me into that man he wanted me to be. I can honestly say today, I am glad I went through what I went through. I rejoice that I was allowed to suffer something so devastating in my life. I know the pain changed me like nothing else could. I now feel the presence of God in my life that I had never felt before. When you are forced to hold onto Him with everything you have, He changes who you are at your very core.
There is nothing like the feeling you have when you trust God with everything in your life. Even when you are deep in the grief valley and you are so very tired, weak, and broken, He can strengthen you. In Isaiah 40:31 God speaks of this. But those who wait for the Lord’s help find renewed strength; they rise up as if they had eagles’ wings, they run without growing weary, they walk without getting tired. Many times while grieving, I had courage, strength, and wisdom that was not my own. Most of the time I didn’t feel like I had enough energy to last another day, but God always provided me hope of a brighter tomorrow. I whole heartedly credit God for carrying me through the valley when I couldn’t take the baby steps myself.
I remember in the days following the funeral I felt lost. I had been married for nine years and through those years, I felt our lives had become melted together like butter in a frying pan. Somewhere along the way, I felt I had lost myself as an individual. After Kari’s death, I was alone, afraid, and lost and I didn’t know what to do. I quickly learned, after studying the bible that I had leaned on Kari instead of leaning on God. All the things I was supposed to get from God, I was trying to get from her. I realized, I didn’t need a person to give me those things. God created a desire inside of me to want what He had to offer. I desperately needed Him. Once I realized that God could supply my every need, I began to heal quicker than I thought was possible.
When you have God, you have purpose and direction and you have hope. You have the perfect relationship with the creator of the universe. With God on your side, you have nothing to fear. God is always standing by. You only have to call out His name and He will help you through the storms. He tells us this in Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” I am living proof that these aren’t just words in a book. God is real.
In the days following Kari’s death I found John 11:25-26 to be extremely comforting. 25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; 26 and whoever lives by believing in me will never die.” I was so comforted by those God breathed words that I had shirts made with the verses on them and I gave the shirts to family members for Christmas. I clung to that verse with everything that I had. I knew that Kari loved Jesus. I knew without a shadow of a doubt, she was in Heaven. I didn’t think as much about what she was missing out on or what she would never do again. I focused more on what she was experiencing in heaven and how amazing it must be. I knew my tears that I was crying were not for her, for she was in paradise. They were for me.
When I started to have a relationship with Fawn in November of 2006, just five short months after Kari died, I was at peace. I did not feel guilty, or shameful, or disrespectful. It felt normal and natural. I felt Fawn was a blessing from God. I knew God had healed me and then brought us together.
Since writing Winning Through a Loss, I have talked to many people that have walked or are walking through the grief valley. In that time, I have noticed a common theme among those that lost their spouse. They feel an extreme guilt about moving on with their lives. They feel that they are not only disrespecting the deceased but also disrespecting God if they even entertain the thought of getting into another relationship and remarrying again someday. They are afraid of what others might think.
When I was in search of answers in the weeks and months following the death of Kari, I found a bible verse written by the apostle Paul that really opened my eyes on what God thinks about your life after your spouse dies. Romans 7:2 For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law that binds her to him. The bible clearly states it is ok to marry after your spouse dies. God created man and woman with the thought and desire that they would come together and become one in a marriage relationship. It is not a requirement to remarry after a spousal death, but it is certainly ok with the creator.
If you have married, when you stood in front of your wedding party and said the vows, till death do us part, you were in agreement with the state, with God, and with your spouse that if one of you died, the other would be free. When Kari died, I didn’t ask for it to happen. I didn’t want it to happen. I didn’t want to be free. But once I was in that position, God told me I was free. This freedom is further illustrated in Matthew 22:30 At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.” When you make it to heaven, your spouse will not be waiting for you at the pearly gates with open arms to carry on your marriage partnership. In heaven you will not be committed to a relationship because you will love everyone just the same. When your spouse dies you are forever free from the marriage.
Knowing that God still had big plans for me on earth, I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life focused on my old life. I still loved Kari but I knew trying to stay in the past was not healthy. I knew God still had a purpose for me or He would have called me home too. My mind and my heart were still full of hopes and dreams. I knew to truly honor God I needed to be the best that I could be and to do that, I knew I needed to let go of the pain and heartache that losing Kari had created.
Today, my hopes and dreams are bigger than they have ever been before. I have an excitement for life that I never felt before the tragic events in 2006. I ooze motivation, joy, and passion. I no longer look for people or things to bring me happiness or to fill the void in my heart.
I often hear people say I wish I could have what you have. I wish I could become more passionate or motivated. I wish I could get through my grief as fast as you did. I am here to say, you can. It is a choice. If you surrender to God with everything you have, there is no limitation to what He can do for you. He is the creator of the universe. He can take your hurt and pain away. He can bring you to the other side of grief quicker than you think is possible. He can make your broken life great again. Trust Ephesians 3:20 “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.” God can do more for us than we could ever conceive.
After you make it through the grief valley and are healed, the scars will remain. No matter how hard you work at it and no matter how much you pray, your scars will never go away. But that is ok. Scars are a good thing. God loves your beautiful scars. Your scars are like Gods artwork. When you were broken, He shaped and changed you through your pain and then put you back together into something far more beautiful than you were before. Use your scars to remind you of the beautiful work God performed on you.
Once you are healed you will realize your scars have a purpose. Scars are like a fountain or an energy source. They provide a deeper sense of passion, compassion, and empathy. They allow us to feel a deeper love and a deeper joy. Scars allow us to see the world a bit more like God sees it. Scars are a gift from God.
As you walk through the valley remember God is in control and He always knows what is best, even when he allows you to suffer tremendous pain and heartache. Remember he would never give you more than you could handle, even though it often feels like your grief is far too much to overcome. Truth is, grief is too much to handle by yourself. Lucky for us, this world didn’t just happen by accident. We have an almighty creator that cares deeply for us. He wants to help us when we are hurting. He wants to comfort us in our time of need.
So how do we move on? How do we keep living when a piece of us is missing? You must keep fighting. You must keep clawing and scratching. You must keep believing. Allow God to fill the emptiness you have inside. Honor your lost loved one by spending the rest of the days God gives you by honoring Him. Honor Him by living your life to the fullest. Honor Him by being thankful for what you still have, and by focusing on what really matters in life, proclaiming the kingdom of God. Be filled with the hope of a place that has no more sickness, or death, or pain. Our time on earth is temporary, but life with Jesus is forever.
